Outsider

Nobody tells you about the envy that comes with making new friends. 

It's always "making friends is scary" or "making new friends is hard". no, no. the worst part about making new friends is becoming the second choice over their other friends. the feeling of never actually knowing them. the feeling when someone else talking about their old memories when yo weren't in the picture. especially when you join a group of childhood besties. 

you feel like the outsider, the one that doesn't belong. 

"remember when...?" and you have to stand there, oblivious. you feel like a idiot, listening to the good memories that were made without you as they explain why they're laughing.

"oh I forgot you weren't there!"

I moved here three years ago. I've known them for three years, I shouldn't feel like this. we've made memories together, laughed together, had fun together. but they've known each other for longer. they have memories I can't recall, jokes that I don't understand. they know each other better than I ever could. I will never be able to catch up, be at their same level.

when they hang out without me it's like a punch in the gut. it's further proof that I don't deserve to call them my best friends. I can't carry that title. Im a fraud. they don't call for hours with me. they dont talk about their life with me unprovoked. 

I don't know them. and I'll never will especially with how bad of a friend I am.