struggles

There's sleep paralysis.

I recently experienced it and it was frightening. I thought I'd cut off a nerve or something, my entire body was numb and I thought I might die being unable to move. My heart goes out to those who can't.

Though I have some advice from what I felt during the paralysis. I focused intensely on my fingertips so I could try to feel something within them, and pushed myself upwards from the seat I fell asleep in. I shaked it off by stretching, walking around, etc. 

Not falling asleep again is also important. I was really tired so I kept dozing off, but I noticed I was paralyzed when I tried to get up a second and third time, even shortly after.

But that was only one time. My nightmares are more of an issue. They tend to be related to real life experiences. For example when I talk to a certain person for a prolonged amount of time, I'll have a dream about them. That also includes if I think about them. And the answer is yes, I still have dreams of my ex. 

That's besides the point. I've had dreams where I'm eaten alive, surgically tested on, seen relatives die... and they've all been related to something that happened recently. Either from a movie, or a deep fear of being too harsh with my family, or... I have no idea why I kept being eaten. But my most reoccurring nightmares are the ones where I'm abandoned and left alone. Usually because I am in real life too. I sit down, enjoy a coffee etc with my family, and then when my mother and brother finish their meals, they stand up and walk out without waiting for me to get ready. Did I mention they always leave me with the glasses and plates too to put away? Well, that happens. 

The other day I was at a mountain with my father and brother when the kid stormed down angrily because I was so slow, because I have a fear of heights and basically crawled my way down. He's dumb. We kept telling him it's unsafe but he's so impatient and runs off not realising he could die, and told him to get behind our father. Which he didn't. And at some point, my father quickened up after him, and I was exhausted and broke down crying on the trail down in some forest alone. They came up a bit again, the kid was still far down, but they just continued speeding down afterwards. 

I do hyperventilate quite often, recieving panic attacks alongside those episodes... unless they're the same thing, they're either way both anxiety inducing in the sense that I struggle to breathe, have a hard time swallowing, feel a knot in my heart and chest, and a tight clamp on the head with immense pressure, sometimes even on my eyes... 

Often I curl into a ball and close my eyes, but that doesn't really help. It does a little, sure. But I discovered that when I sometimes grasp a bit at my throat due it feeling stiff, it helps massaging and pulling slightly just to loosen up the airways. That and telling myself it's alright, walking away from the situation asap. That it's nothing to be worried about, taking deep breaths... as silly as it sounds.

I still have them, usually at night overthinking about how terrible of a person I am, or in situations with friends or family where I feel inadequate or abnormal in some way. Most of the time it's caused by some sort of dysmorphia, like my face, or hair, or voice whenever I simply... talk to people. Every now and then I wonder if I should pretend that I'm mute haha.

Sadly, at some point it got so bad I had panic attacks between every single class, my last time at school being inside a bathroom for 2-3 hours crying after it had ended. That was mostly because I felt like I didn't deserve being there with everyone else. I actually did quite well in school, I was even acing at times... But looking in the mirror made me feel uncomfortable and disgusting.

I grew up looking like a potato, honestly. Sometimes I notice parts of myself that reminds me of the past. My hair, for example. It used to have a mushroom shape, and every now and then, I can see remnants of it on the top of my head, even though it's longer now. That, and my face... sometimes it's bloated, could be my lips, my nose, my entire face. My eyes have dark rings too. I consider plastic surgery every now and then, but it wouldn't really be me if I changed anything. I barely recognise myself in the mirror with all this memory fog in the way. 

I usually just remind myself I've inherited these genes from my parents whom I'm glad I look alike with. And... I shower overly much, so my hair is neat and my face is clean, as I make sure to do skin care every single night. It's of utmost importance to me, I've woken up at 3 am having forgotten to, rolling out of my bed... I also refuse to wear sweatpants, polos, pyjamas, as I don't like looking disheveled in clothes that are unflattering on me personally. It's a shame that's 30% of my wardrobe. Bad middle school phase. 

If any of these things don't check out... Just a singular thing, I'm not going out. We're talking my brother seeing me with wet hair for the first time in his 10 years, and my family never seeing me with greasy hair. Not since middle school at least. Might be relevant to mention I was bullied behind my back, back then. There was a time I locked myself in my room for 3 months severely depressed, barely eating with no sunlight. I got out eventually, at least, I just needed something to come back to without pressure... That would mean not a lot of people being involved and being with family a bit more.

I don't have a solution or anything that helps for the last one other than making sure everything is always perfect, and keeping myself busy. Sigh, luckily I actually grew up into a bit of a better potato, but I still feel weird around people. Like I have all these issues, just like everyone else, yet make a huge deal about it. I guess telling people about it every now and then is my little therapy thing.

It's quite the bittersweet feeling I have nowadays, when I meet people I used to even be close friends with, and they no longer recognise me. I suppose it's the dream scenario, but I feel like a ghost.