1/7/2025

first of all, hello to anybody reading this diary entry. it's my first time writing such a thing, and it's inspired by a friend on here. it's currently 2:24 am on 2/7/2025 while writing this,  so i want to give a small description of my previous day.

today was the first exam. english, so it was pretty easy. yay to the government's portion for school. science is next, and there isn't a break in between the two exams. i barely studied, so i crammed for an hour.

today, i was supposed to attend a counselling session. it's my second session, but i missed both the first and the second one. i feel extremely guilty, as if i've committed a crime. i can have everything i need to do something, have the want to do that thing, but i never go forward and start. i'm not sure if it's because i fear change, hate talking about myself, hate myself, or fear failure.

i asked a friend about what i was to him. he replied that i was one of his best friends, which shocked him. we only speak properly two days a week, and even then, it's only a few sentences. he always has some other friends to talk to. i think he lied, simply because he felt bad for me. i get it. i'm not someone that's interesting. it's not his fault, so i won't blame him.

each day, i feel like i'm being pulled down by something. even getting out of bed is a struggle. all i want to do is just disappear, or be someone else. be brought up different, look different, anything to stop being what i am now.

i'm not sure if i hate being male, or if i hate being myself. either way, i can never truly be what i want to be. i grew up around women, so i'm more comfortable with talking to girls my age. but they aren't comfortable talking to me. they think i'm trying to play some joke, or trouble them. i wish i was just born and brought up as a girl. life would be so much better. i'd bare the looks and constant objectification for a chance to connect with a woman like two women can connect with each other. i'm so tired of being an observer.

i think i'm getting worse mentally. i can't seem to find any motivation, and my face and hands twitch sometimes. this combined with the headaches and bouts of dizziness is making me question if i should even continue. i just want to be normal.