on letters

I talk too much about letters, maybe to the point where I really think it is the only way I could properly communicate my love and I say this as someone who barely writes or speak/use English every day or as a first language. I love letters, I love using a cute paper, using my very cheap fountain pen from Shopee and decorate them with stickers. 

The first time I received a handwritten letter was in 10th grade where my best friend (who's now a very talented animator) wrote me one and made me a music playlist. I still kept it in my drawer til this day. I never thought of even writing letters as it was seen as vulnerable and weak, my thoughts were often faster than my brain and hands I could never really articulate best with my words but I cried when I received that letter from my friend. Maybe even before that - when I was 9, my grandma used to write me letters when I came home from cram school, she would pretend that an outer space friend have contacted me and I would love reading them every day.

But I never really started writing real ones until I met my first boyfriend, the first package I sent two years ago, wasn't even really a proper letter (well, I did annotate every item in the box with a sticky note alongside my thoughts) but I made a mini zine about how much I love them through one of my favorite Yves Tumor songs. The second letter I wrote when I was at a very desperate time of our relationship, two-three page letter on some japanese surplus stock of clover themed paper, in a small box and two very cute Gaspard and Lisa plushes through a mutual friend who lives in the same city as them in the USA.I always sealed them with a spray of lemongrass eau-de-toilette.

I had an idea for a big letter, the one on Instagram reels where you can collage a bunch of things inside then open it to a huge heart. Maybe one engraved into wood boards? Typewriter? Or maybe even the one where you open and butterflies come flying out to your face.

I had ideas for writing letters to people, but I never received a letter back to me in the same amount of effort that I put in, it is the only thing I longed for and at the age of 21 after my first relationship ended, it started to feel like an impossible task.