I've lost 90% of myself, 5% is left and 5% is reversed. Here's how my life looks like:

What happened? Life's never been kind on anyone, I know I'm not special. I mean, I wasn't until the hospital arc. In short, I got so sick I was genuinely convinced I'm dying a few weeks before my 17 th birthday. The idea that I'm not on borrowed time, and will live, caught up to me 2 months ago. My brain's been rewired since.

Am I deemed lunatic/unstable? No. I am deemed responsible for my and others' actions, aware of everyone's feelings, consequences of everything, and generally life around me. I do not suffer from any mental illness other than hormonal depression, not because I didn't get diagnosed, but because I've been through medic tests, and they didn't say anything.

Am I a psychopath? No. But losing any emotions means gaining some kind of psychopathic tendencies, always. This doesn't have to mean a bad thing, for example, psychologists share psychopathic tendencies, because they don't cry every time someone tells them about something terrible that happened to them.

Do I have a will to live? Absolutely. I wake up every day and eat, drink water, and have fun not because someone forces me to, but because I consent to living.

Am I toxic? That isn't a question for me to answer, obviously, but I personally doubt it. I don't like playing with people's feelings, I don't like using people, and I don't see a logical point in being mean. Obviously, I might do something very toxic that I have no idea of, but it's for other people to deem. I don't harm myself. I overreact a lot, but I always reassure people it's not genuine. Sometimes it is, though. 

Can I love? Probably! I'm almost sure I'm doing it right, but I'm not sure -p-

What happened to my fear? Essentially, the neurons in my brain responsible for fear burned off when I welcomed death those few months ago. I'll say 'I'm scared', but almost always it's just annoyance. I don't feel the mental fear, but the physical one stays. For example, if I play a horror game, I won't move an inch or make a face if I get ten million billion jumpscares, but my hands can get sweaty. Or, when people show me gore, my mental doesn't have a single reaction to it, but I gag. It doesn't flashback, traumatize me, or really impact my brain at all. And when I'm on rollercoasters, I don't really react to anything either, worse case I'll close my eyes and still sit there with a -_- expression, even if I go throw up for 2 hours straight afterwards.

What happened to my happiness? It's there, I think. Nothing really hits the spot anymore, y'know? If I get a dream thing of mine, if my favorite artist releases something, when I listen to happy music, I smile and laugh, I feel good! But it just isn't really like it was before. It's like I can never go over 70% of what  I had before.

What happened to my sadness? stayed intact, appears when needed, leaves when unnecessary, besides depression episodes of course, like during ovulation or during period.

Does it hurt me to see other people hurt? I'm not sure. I need to help everyone who is need, and it was a thing I always did. But is it because I have a moral compass, or because I care? I'm not sure. I don't ever do things "because I'm supposed" to. I do things that align to my moral compass. Like, just because I'm not in any anti racist organization doesn't mean I use slurs, and just because I don't go on pride marches doesn't mean I'm homophobic, same thing here. I might not care sometimes, but I'm not braindead.

I think I'm the best person to vent to because I don't carry anyone's problems with me, even though I understand them like nothing else. This doesn't mean I don't care, though, does it? Doctors aren't expected to cry after every patient, no?

Reversed part: Joy and sorrow switched up. Since I don't feel physically either of those correctly, my brain often interprets them invertly, just because I can feel the sadness fully, and happiness unfully, so that's why it happens, it wants it to be otherwise. When something really good happens, I can fall down to my knees and sob my throat out, but when someone compliments me, I'll often start with "man, what the fuck is you talking about?" before following up with the correct reaction, and when something bad happens, I'll often smile for a few seconds, before getting sad. That's why I always cover my mouth when I hear about something bad, I really don't want it to be misread as me being fucked up in the head and smiling at someone's death or that someone just got into massive dept (yes...real examples)

Why am I posting this? Too many people have accussed me of being edgy, too many people think I'm flirting with them when I'm just being polite,  too many people think I don't care about them, so I wanted to clarify that I, in fact, care. Even if I can't show it sometimes.

Luv, bbrkn<3