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The Writer Turned Speechless: A Soul Lesson Learned
I used to have the right words for everything. I creatively sealed my feelings shut inside envelopes of essays, written analogies and poetry only now, I'll never find again. It didn't become out of "not knowing" how or what to write anymore. Words simply didn't encapsulate enough of what I wanted them to. They lack the twiddling of other senses, though with enough stringing together, the use of language may invoke some. Ironic what I'm doing now, using words to explain why I struggle to use words. Writing, when detached from raw experience, can become another form of avoidance. A way to "outmaneuver" life rather than live it. I'm done trying to grammatically pinpoint exactly how I feel and fixate over the why's in life, hurling myself under endless mental pins and needles. Instead, I owe it to myself to just feel.
One thing I always struggled to learn was to exist.
That's not even something you learn, it's something you either thankfully accept and make the most out of or you don't, only to endure a nihilistic existence; and I know how painful nihilism is. I strongly agree that having no belief in God, is more confining on the soul than if one chose to believe in Him. Before I strengthened my faith, I didn't feel free at all when I was a nihilist. I felt trapped in an infinitely repeating, meaningless code that I couldn't delete no matter how badly I wanted to outmaneuver it. As the years went on, I recognized that same trapped feeling while I was writing one day. That was the moment I realized that I was simply boxing myself, categorizing my feelings and all that I wished to freely express, annotating emotions instead of living them.
I used to have the right words for everything.
Now, I have none—and maybe that’s the right word for it all.
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Alveus Nosville
It may not be exactly what you mean. Frankly it's nothing like what you mean. But that's what Emoticons were invented for. Some things are just not meant to be expressed with words. Even if you could. The descriptory detachment only renders them more meaningless. The overanalisys effectively puts you in third person even if you don't word it as such. And that rains true regardless of how you slice it, you can try to word the feelings themselves and if you come short maybe you'll try to describe how they manifest physically but all of them will sound detached, some might actually do worse, like the example I gave, for describing how something made you react outwardly - that's just begging to sound like a narcisistic tyrade. And for what? For it to boil down to a less effective version of
:)orT^T?So yea, I'd consider whether it's less inability to find the right words that wasn't there before and more newfound understanding of which, if any words are apropriate at all, even before faith comes into picture, though I have little-if-any doubt it helps destill meaning out of most-to-all things. Ah. Juxtaposition. What an effective tool you are, even when applied this loosely.
Brian
https://youtu.be/LT_Uf4hq-fk?si=p3j5JCoDPOWGwNKO
This post reminds me of this song a bit. The meaning I personally get from the lyrics is that life may seem meaningless, but you should live in spite of that and find your meaning from within. It uses complex wording and builds itself up and sounds profound but I've always thought the song is just kind of poking fun at itself in the end. Maybe you'll enjoy it.
Thanks for the rec! It seems people silently agree with my post, which speaks in effect to my statements above.
by BULLET; ; Report
The older I get the less it feels my words mean much. I feel it.
by Brian; ; Report