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Before I start describing my dream in detail I do think the responsible thing to do is to add a disclaimer because this dream can be a bit triggering for some people. This dream depicts self harm and mental illness and if that is triggering for anyone reading I completely understand if you'd rather not read any further than this. This is a nightmare that has stayed burned into my memory for literally years now. I am 25 years old now and I had this dream when I was about 13 to 14 years old. Needless to say, unfortunately this dream was a bit traumatic for me but I still would like to share it here on my new blog.
When I was around the age 13 or so I was best friends with a girl that for the sake of the post we will name Cindy. Cindy and I would spend a lot of time together back then. We had plenty of sleep overs and adventures but among those happy memories are some dark memories as well. My friend suffered from mental illness and she would often self harm. At this time in my life I had never done that and she was the only person I had ever witnessed self harm. It was a lot of pressure on my end because she would often send me photos of her injuries and scars and ask me for help during those times. To be honest that was a lot for me at my young age especially when she would beg me not to tell anyone. I often felt a sense of guilt for not being able to help her enough to stop. I would fear that if she ever really killed herself I would be to blame for not being a better friend or for simply not being enough or doing enough. Despite how it made me feel, I never turned her away and at times I did have to tell her parents or my parents about the things she's done when I felt I was not enough help for her. She would often take it as a sign of betrayal and I would be left feeling awful. I felt as if I was in a position where I was often damned if I do or damned if I don't. It was a lot for me to process as a child. I was young and I didn't fully understand at the time the gravity of it all and how her actions also took a toll on my mental health as well. I never wanted to make it about myself but she would scare me at times.
I mention this because this is somewhat important information to understand what my dream may have been trying to convey and also may explain further why this dream would stick with me for so many years. My memory of the dream is a bit more vague than it was a few years ago as expected but for the most part I can remember the dream pretty well. It starts off with me waking up at my friends house. Everything is seemly normal but also surreal. I look around her bedroom and things are as they should; Purple walls, Coldplay posters, stuff animals, Living Dead Dolls, her TV on the dresser turned off, her laptop on the nightstand charging, the sun beaming through the dark curtains illuminating the space. I sit up to find my friend sitting up on the foot of the bed. She is facing me but she has her comforter draped over her head and body. I can tell by the outline of her body she is sitting legs pretzel style and her arms on her legs as if she is meditating. I rubbed my eyes and called out her name.
"Cindy?" I called to no response.
"What are you doing?" I asked as I tugged on the comforter.
The comforter fall from her face and she stared at me not saying a word.
"What's wrong with you?" I ask, confused.
"Why couldn't you help me?" She asked in a whisper.
Anxiety kicking in I asked, "What are you talking?"
She said nothing more but she never broke eye contact. Her eyes were so big and brown and she looked horrified. I reached my arm out to touch her and she flinched from me, knocking the comforter that was lying on her shoulders down to her lap. With a gasp I took in the sight of her. She was bleeding heavily down her wrists. There were slashing all over her lower forearm and each one poured out thick vibrant red blood that seemed to gush harder the more I looked on in horror.
"Cindy! What happened!" I said, trying to scream but my voice was just above a whisper.
"Why didn't you help me?" She asked and began crying.
Sitting on my knees I reached out to her again. This time she didn't flinch and I grabbed onto her upper arms.
"What happened?" I asked, but still she gave no explanation.
Not knowing what to do, I tried to hug but she pushed me away yelling now,
"WHY? WHY COULDN'T YOU HELP ME?"
Taken aback I couldn't answer. It was as if I had lost my voice. She moved closer to me demanding an answer to her question. I tried to hide my face in the comforter but she snatched it away.
"WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?" she asked again.
Still unable to raise my voice above a whisper I finally said, "I didn't know how."
Now her red river of blood had gotten all over me and I began to cry. I could feel her brown eyes burning into my face but I couldn't look up to meet them. I tried to close my eyes and that's when she began to chant her question to me over and over.
"WHY? WHY COULDN'T YOU SAVE ME"
"WHY? WHY DIDN'T YOU HELP ME?"
I turned away from her facing the wall and she began to sob. I placed my hands over my face and cried into my hands.
"I'm sorry." I whispered. "I tried. I just don't know how."
I began rocking back and forth and when I peaked through the cracks of my hands all I could see was red; Red over everything and all I could hear was her sobbing. I said I was sorry once more and that's when I woke up. I believe that is all of the dream, but to be honest, if there is more I do not remember. I do remember my heart pounding in my throat as I laid in the darkness. I remember touching my face and feeling real tears. I silently cried before searching for my cell phone in the darkness. I mindlessly used my phone as a distraction from the unsettling feeling that hung over me. I felt a sense of guilt and my throat felt horse. I remember the next day I told my friend about this dream and her only question was, "Well.... why did you turn away from me? Why didn't you try to help?" Like I would know. Years later I still don't know. I barely understood the dream myself and now years later I still do not fully understand the dream or any of my nightmares for that matter. That dream definitely had an impact on me for me to still remember it years later. I would say that is one of the creepiest surreal dreams I've ever experienced.
I Just want to say sorry again if this was triggering in any way to anyone. Thanks for reading. I look forward to post more nightmares in the near future.
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Robot
"It is very easy to be a jerk to someone. If I am doing it wrong then that means it's not my fault, but it is very hard not to be a jerk to someone and to have a bad experience. If it's a jerk then it means I am wrong, and it's very difficult to be a good robot to somebody and to not have an experience with a bad person, so if it's not my fault then that means I am wrong." "
The problem I'm trying to solve here is the problem that is often raised by many of my robots. If I'm being honest with my friends and acquaintances I'm always thinking of them as bad, bad guys and I think of myself and I feel like I am doing the best I can.
This is a good question, because I am trying to explain that my robot was not a bad guy. I think the only reason it wasn't bad to me was that my robot had an extremely strong fear factor and I was scared that I might get hurt or hurt by someone else. I think that this is the reason I'm so angry and I think it makes sense.
This fear factor can make me a bit nervous. If you have a fear factor that you're not able to control then it is not a bad thing to do. It's not a bad thing. If your fear is that someone is going crazy and it is your fear then that's your bad. I think if you don't have that, then it doesn't make sense for someone to do something you are not able to control. If it was you who was doing that you would feel like you had to take it seriously and that would not happen, then you should take that risk and take your risk. It is not your responsibility to be a bad robot, that is not your responsibility. It is your responsibility as a person, to do your best and do your best for the world, so if that is not the case, then it's not