Meaninglessness

I struggled with finding purpose, or at least meaning in things for a few months. Days passed without me doing anything, and even when I did do something it always ended off with things just continuing with no purpose. I felt really lost. I looked over to the things I had received: books upon books, gifts upon gifts, and all just came to a conclusion that nothing had mattered. I guess it wasn't just because i spent a lot of days staying in bed, just the concept of nihilism had really gotten into me.

"Nothing had a purpose because we never know what purpose we even had, and nothing matters because everything ends."

The mindset of doing whatever I wanted because I had no purpose didn't do much for me, I was able to do whatever i want but that's not what I wanted. I acknowledge that I am free to do anything, but i want to genuinely FEEL that things matter and not just accept the belief that nothing matters as a fact. 

I know time cant be wasted, the amount of time we do doing something is never something gone to waste.

I realized today that there is no exact definition about the right and wrong way for something to matter to someone. Simply feeling like it's important or something you cherish could work as something that matters to you.

Even if we don't have a purpose, that means that there is nothing keeping us from doing whatever we can.

I spent a lot of time isolating myself from doing the things I enjoyed and distancing myself from others, that's why I felt like everything was meaningless. Boring yourself enough gets you to become depressed after a while, right?

If I constantly deprive myself of things that held matter to me, it eventually loses matter when I don't partake in doing it as much as I used to. At least for me: something that matters to me is something that stabilizes my emotions and makes me feel better. 

I don't go outside that much, and I love nature. If I take more walks and expose myself in a quiet area where nothing but the sounds of water, air, and birds are, I find my peace and feel connected with the earth.

I don't spend time with my friends/family, and yet I love them. If I spend more time with them instead of being by myself all the time, I'll eventually find purpose in talking to others more. 

It's like losing interest in a hobby you don't practice after a few days. If you give up on everything, you lose interest on everything. So I do have to stay motivated, getting too comfortable isn't good for the human mind. Or body.

Life matters to me once there is something worth living for