Nah I give up

Well it's been a month now since I updated my blog entries!I think nothing better than to update right now.Past few days,I been thinking to maintain a gratitude journal.I have always, when it my entries,diaries and now on blogs,maintained a sad,struggle and tortured tone.My life is like that,despite how much I try to make it come together,it's just never my moment.I am quite a low point of life(ya,nothing changes,been hitting consistently lows in series)

Let's start from where I last left to update:

Moving out(May Month):

Well,my last paying guest room/dorm/hostel whatever anyone calls that,I had to leave due to how pathetic the conditions became.I had to leave immediately,during time of the month when college exams are all set to be conducted,practically no dorms/apartments are having any particular vacancy.At that moment of my time my boyfriend was rotting my brain with an apartment idea,which I rotted my friend K with.At the end,it only led to finding no places,too much time wasted by K and me moving to another dorm nearby.The place I am living right now is better than my last place.Bigger room,less tenants(for now) and no mandatory disgusting food line up.Yet,I want to change the place because of the landlord.Strict curfew,the room is extremely hot to an extent I can only work after 6pm,very judgemental landlord who is careless and money hungry,expenses she demands which make no sense,charges whole rigged units for electricity bill and never fixes things around.I remember how difficult the days were when I was having fight with her regarding electricity bills since she not only put an busted meter board but also demanding huge per unit rates on it.Well at the time I had to give her what she wanted.

I just wish I had normal dorm room,where I could decorate,give it my personality,I always wanted to give my rooms personality of mine because I used to move out a lot during childhood.Never had a place for myself,and finally when we got our own house,I left for college.Everyone's rooms I see always have a thing or two to admire about,some have drawings,some have gaming setups,some have toys,many more.Mine on the other hand,just feels like,ready to move out and nobody will know,I was there(man,I am so convenient lmao #rentlife4ever).I remember asking my bf to design my room but he burned those ideas too many times.In the hopes I will get a new place,well I just moved in,I just can't move out yet.

I think the only advantage a person gets from living alone is you can cry yourself to sleep.

Semester II(B.tech CSE)

Well the exams were quite unexpected,I would say even unpredictable than my first semester.I struggled with subjects such as Maths and Electrical with Physics being mid and DSA,Environmental Chemistry and IKS being the easiest for me.The fact our question paper of maths was messed up with their sections,which led most students lose time for high scoring sections while Physics and Electrical assigned questions which led to error on calculations in scientific calculator.I think the most shitty part about all this,is our department is the one which always get assigned the worst papers with no helpful suggestions followed by toughest checking compared to other departments who get easy papers from suggestions followed by easy checking.

The practicals were good,I think except for graphics lab.Rest labs,I believe I was lucky,despite getting assigned peculiar questions which is literally not assigned to anyone in the class.I had good time because it made me work solo.I think it helped me mostly in physics since that practical was a massacre for our department students.Unnecessary drama,chaos,character assassination by teachers who didn't give two fk entire semester and more.It was like they were there to take up pent up frustration.Quite sick to think how unmotivating they were.

Either way,the exams ended,giving me relief.But the relief was short lived.

Home Hell Home

Well,now that exams are over,came three weeks break.

I think if it's not clear from my diary entries,you can say I am pretty broke.I am trying to make my freelance gig work,but it will require some time.I wished our third world country allowed students to make money in few places but since this place is unsafe to work for women,most students,including guys as well,solely focus on academics on student loans and get some allowance from family for food and dorm rent.Well my parents pay me exactly the amount needed,rent and food,it's so tight,that often times I skip meals at dinner because I don't have money.Living on salted food has really made me dehydrated for real.My shitty ahh place of living doesn't allow cooking,having kitchen space,heck let alone a basin.So I am just overly dependant on food from nearby places which make mid meals but at this point it's just shutting my stomach down.I have forgot how good food can taste like.No wonder greasy kfc 2 dollar meal is my luxury comfort meal.Well with no pennies in my pocket and a landlord who asked me money literally after 15 days of rent,to pay her again despite payment is always done in monthly basis.I knew I had no place to stay except to head back home.I hate my landlord.

Well I arrived home where I feel I just make an entry for food.I am just fed well,rest there's no connections between me and my parents other than money and food.The moment I stepped in house,avalanche of responsibilities piled on me from my sister's career counselling,buying her new phone,getting her test series,taking mom out,getting clothes arranged for NGO to soon taking mom to doctor as well next week and all.It's non stop work,less time for me.Amidst all this,I lost the opportunity to submit a form on time regarding summer internship.It made me have a bad meltdown which made my bf detach from me.With the physical chores,I had to take care of my sister mental health needs as well regarding her relationship,had to do emergency guidance counselling for my faraway friends while K struggled himself that week from BPD/BPAD mood swings making work slow leading to deadline missing.

I love social media.I think they give me a sense of normalcy.Seeing few my friends on all boys trips,family trips,outing etc made me feel relieved.I don't feel jealous,I mean my heart always say you also deserve this but I think seeing the flame keeps me warm enough even if it's far away to practically warm you.

It was so much work physically,mentally and emotionally.It just made me all numb.

Numb is what I must do,numb is how I get through.

My sister constantly exercises her living freely which contrasts with my narcissistic mother leading fights which piles up on me to resort and taking care of both parties.It's like an unhealthy thing I developed to take care of others,like I have no identity other than being provider.I feel like a burden when someone tries to help me because they actually don't help me get out of it,rather use it as guilt tripping material in later future.The reason,why I don't share much,I don't ask for help for the help I received made me feel like I should get admitted to psych ward for having messy outbreaks.

Maybe that's why I never changed in 21 years of my life.It's the same thing,I am thinking of getting professional help soon via K,since he been to therapists at this region.I have hopes he can connect me with a good one with reasonable price,so I can cry,have messy outbreaks,be rude which is huge projection of how I talk to myself during those times,of all those childhood trauma that can finally come to some sort of conclusion,like better way of managing for the trauma can never be undone.I wish I loved myself,because only self hating people can end up in positions like mine

Relationship

27th May,2022.I remember meeting him for the first time after almost 2 months of our relationship.With endorphins all over the place,hopes and dreams to be together a year later.

27th May,2025.I remember having meltdown over my low esteem about my body and feeling worthless for not making him happy which led to him again being detached from me.Constantly meltdowns and fights for I believe he has also reached his limit to understand me in my family and circumstances.Where he feel hurts from my meltdowns and outbreaks,yet force himself in the fire only to be burnt.He keeps saying don't write diary,don't journal,tell me all your feelings.I knew how destructive I am,the reason I kept my outbreaks in pages,it never hurted anyone and I functioned well enough to get day by day without causing too much issue,without taking too much space.

I am never wrong for I feel,whatever I did to protect myself,worked certain extent for me.The moment I trusted enough to share my feelings,it spiralled,it was all messy,I felt messy.Messy enough to lose grip and focus on my future at crucial step of my life and now I am stuck in a college I don't like.

What did I even get out of this entire thing?I didn't grow a single bit past 4 years for I am the same mess I was before,if anything I believe my outbreaks became more messy as I wasn't able to write it down.

After my bf's medical exam got over,for which he took 2 year drops.I was happy,that finally,it's over,now we can spend some time together because this entrance exam ate our ldr to dangerous extent.Yes I did complain during his exam timeline,not before his actual exam,regarding my petty issues and all,I guess it got to him,because I do see him mention that.It's like I don't know what he wants from me sometimes.He is my partner,I will go to him for everything.He literally hates if I try to get help from anyone else.It's like neither can he handle me,neither does he want to accept he need help himself when it comes to his neglected emotions nor he lets me to write or get help from someone else.He struggles with managing his emotions as well because any normal person doesn't take a week to manage feelings or get sicks physically due to emotions.

Every single time I say him smth related,he would be like Ya Go WrItE wHAtEvER U wAnT-

They don't come from genuine remarks or encouragement,rather come from a point of fear that I won't tell him things.Back in 12th,I used to maintain diary till my parents and grandparents read and punished me for.All my sadness were in the pages.It made me stable and well enough to continue with my day.He does mentions sometimes,that how good the days were back then,well I was the coolest,the baddest and the best because I kept things in proper organized manner till I get professional help.He made me get away from those pages,took the jabs which made him weaker days after days and now becomes detach,numb and compares me with his parents every possible instance.He gave me comfort at a cost which ultimately I am paying the price at the end.

It's like everything always comes to haunt me back,always my fault,always I need to clean up.That's why I resent people,for the future and the time I gave up ultimately led to their growth and my decline.My ex bffs are living the best lives out there,with my recent ex bff of 5-6 years finally doing what I predicted years ago,pursuing arts in arts college with her 5th man in relationship who is super persistent(doormat energy) while the other one of 10 years probably is dating the most popular national boxer at her college and living the IT girl life at expensive law college with beautiful dorms.

um?What am I doing?

Taking care of people who don't care for me,studying at a college I never thought I would study though it's a decent place,the fees is very cheap,I can repay my loan easily,preparing for smth or the others to get a better place.Yk I worked so hard,I was on top of my performance till I got into relationship in my final year of school and ya.Like probably that entire emotional stuff,didn't had to be out that very time.Even my drop year went to me getting surgery and being target of a pedo sir.

Well,the results of my bf rolled in and he got amazing results!yay!

He didn't even send me one cheesecake to celebrate(but I did so I win hehe)

I was happy,that it meant,no more drop years,he will pursue his MBBS and we will meet soon(like the meet ups will start happening in our ldr)

Then few days back rolled the news of acceptance of Ivy league Colleges such as Stanford,Yale,etc for him.Those colleges are better than any college our country can ever provide for him.Isn't the best news for any hardworking student?

The catch?Well we were in 4 year long distance relationship by now,if he chooses to pursue the international option,it will make it international long distance relationship,with him never returning to this nation and even if he does he will do for his family for being the single son.

When I first came to know,again,as always,I had..guess what?MELTDOWN
I am so predictable lmao.I remember when we first got into relationship,we had plans to close distance soon.It got stretched into 4 years and now when I thought things will be better for us,universe threw this curveball

It was funny how he was like,woah I wish u reacted differently,u became cold,lol.

Nobody can be me more practical than me.MBBS takes years to finish followed by residency and further degrees compared to other degrees of engineering,management,etc taking shorter duration and I have seen people coming back to their nation or being at any place which pays well,it's not fixed at one place like medical,residency,surgery,etc.Not to mention his degree and major requires a lot time,just add timezone difference on top of that.

He wanted me to be happy for him,say he can go and we will try to make it work.

It's just my life,I been through a lot and am afraid a tender thing like love can't survive in this manner where one is soaring high while the other one is just mud,waiting forever.I am mature enough to know,or at least have the guts enough to say,I don't want international ldr.That I won't be able to do it for I would be lying if I say yes to that idea.

If he goes outside,he can restart his life in grand manner with better people and who knows better girl as well who doesn't have a family like mine.His family already hates me,anyone other than me would be better.

My life is doomed and our relationship needs offline nourishment for it to work for both of us.It doesn't need more distance and time zone difference.It requires him holding my hand in his.But his ambition and future lies somewhere else,somewhere I don't feel I belong...anymore(lmao my self esteem).

I walked away from year long friendships,they wanted more chances,but they were hurting me and I am afraid no amount of words could have ever made them understand that.Yet,here I am,seeing how the universe played with me with worst and worst choices again.I don't want to hold my bf back for a better future but I also know I won't be able to do long distance relationship anymore in international way.

True love fights,true love blah blah.Look at me,what I did for us,and it made me reach where.The fact within this long distance relationship,we face so many issues due to network issue,etc,international will make it better?

I guess universe has made me too comfortable with the idea of letting go even if it hurts me for the people I left,are doing better.

I took the pain,the suffering and now they can go,live a future with friends or partners for a miserable soul like me can never be 1st propriety,rather a placeholder which hopefully comes in 7 minute life flash when a person dies.I was just made to clean up space,make it comfortable enough for the other person to take my place,live a better life.I am not afraid to be villainized,for I villainized and hate myself more than my haters and so called well wishers can even do(hehe boi).

I want him to go to better place,our country is not made for geniuses like him.As per me um,I will manage I guess with sadness in my heart and smile on my face

Conclusion

Death is the only space you will feel comfort.Don't force it.Don't mess with his designs.I am just waiting for mine,till then I hope a help a person or two <3.It's ok to not have a fairytale.I am just proud that I was a good daughter,sister,friend,best friend and a partner.I never cheated,never lied,never smoked or drinked.I did what's the best and helped as much as possible.I hope I get a bit better and am hoping to get my freelance gig to work so I can afford a therapist,that's it.

I am glad this website exists,I can vent somewhere for feelings of me never mattered cause it never changed the designs universe made for me :)