might delete later idk TW suicide

I hate how i ruin all of my friendships because of my mental issues, i've been going through a cycle of major depressive episodes for at least 5 years. one day i feel like cutting myself until i bleed out, the other i just feel completely numb. i just wish that someone stayed, it's like no matter how hard i try i always end up completely alone in the end. i've got multiple failed attempts behind me but i'm sure that next time i;ts going to work out, i'm gonna poison muself with sodium nitrite then this cycle of pain will finally be over