eating or talking ?

It begun when I was 12(9th grade)

So from 2022 to 2025 my "relationship" w food degraded.

I always ate really really fast as a kid.

Since around 10th grade I would always eat a lot, especially at night. 

So when I say a lot it is. From the ice cream to a cereal bar, bread, some cheese, gummies and then mozzarella...

really everything that was in the fridge 

I obviously gained some weight so I would eat healthy for a couple of days but then eat "shit" again.

I sometimes almost ate nothing for a couple of days or I would try to make me vomit to spit it out. I tried eating a lot during meals so I wouldnt eat snacks but it obviously failed too.

I know that I am disgusting but sometime I would think, why am I not anorexic? why would I eat so much? 

It's the thing that messed me out completely. I have problems w sport, surely because of that too

It completely messed my person and who I am. I don't actually remember who tf I am 

Honestly my weight-appareance is always on my mind. 

Every day.

I am struggling so much

This week I tried to eat really really small portions but around wednesday I "broke" it again. Like always, since ~2.5 years 

it's 10pm and I ate a mayo-bread, crepes, a peach, milk, 3 different bars, sweets, ice cream and things I don't remember 

the thing is that I am not even hungry anymore I just eat, eat, and eat.

I just can't seem to change 

et je suis putain de mal dans ma peau je sais pas comment on le dis en anglais d'accord ?

j'en peut plus sincèrement je sais pas ce que je fous 

I am honestly fucking crying right now and I am just so fcked up  

i'm sorry but when after eating all this food, I still have to talk even if no one is here to listen.

et puis ta mère le putain de corrrectwur je vais tout classe jai juré va et fairw