Thirty flights (repost) [trigger warning:suicidal.. err ideas]

Thirty Flights.

Note: This is about 5 years old. It's good to look back and be proud of my emotional progress and my fight with depression and anxiety. Poetry and short stories has always been a great emotional outlet for my pain. 

She looked up at the towering building. Could she do it? As she approached the great oak front door she hesitated to touch its’ golden door handle. Her heart was beating out of her chest. It had been a hard, hard life and she just didn’t feel like she could take it any longer. Her mind raced frantically for a solution, a way out. In one deep breath she put her hand on the handle and pulled the door open. The staircase was made of white marble. Thirty flights of stairs to the top. Not too bad. She walked towards the foot of the stairs and looked up. It was dark and she could not see anything passed the first few flights of stairs. She picked up her right foot and took a hold of the hand rails and she began her lengthy ascent. As she began to climb up the stairs she let her mind wonder to the first time she saw him.

~ His smile seemed mischievous but genuine. It was unusual but she felt content in his presence. Then, one day it just happened. He kissed her and it felt soft. It felt right. It made her heart flutter. They stayed together, in each Other’s company all night. Didn’t take long for them to start dating. But it was a real process for her. She had never trusted before. She had to adapt a strong attitude to survive. It was difficult to be soft and accepting. But she wanted to try. She loved being with him. Enjoying the sun, wind or rain. It didn’t matter as long as she had his hand to hold. Soon without noticing she had had one of the best years of her life. ~

Just like that, lost in a trance, she found herself twelve stories up already. Her heart felt heavy thinking about times that were long gone and feelings that could never be felt again. It was a confusing and disorienting feeling. This drove her to pick up her pace. She began to think about all the bad things the fights the problems.

~Their second year was not quite as bright. Soo many changes and a lack of overall trust. He would spend a lot of time hanging out with other. He began to talk to other, a lot. People would notice and they would question. She wanted to believe that other was as sincere and honest as other seemed. The relationship between He and Other was just a “brother sister” friendship. This uncomfortable idea created a riff in the relationship between Her and Him. It was no longer easy because they no longer trusted each other. He could not truly be trusted. They stayed together and tried to talk it through. Tried to fix it but they were both using the wrong brand of glue. ~

She had gone a whole dozen flights more before she came out of her trance. Her heart was heavy. When she first learned the truth she could not even breathe, even stand to be alive. She felt like everything she believed in just didn’t matter anymore. She was very happy once. She tried but she didn’t know what to do. And now it all boiled down to this? She wanted to slit Other’s throat and watch her bleed out on the floor. She wanted to castrate Him. Instead her emotions had been slit and her pride and beliefs had been castrated. She was living somewhere between the imaginary and reality. She wanted to die. Because she felt soo happy once. And then everything changed. She couldn’t stop it from changing. Powerless. She felt drained from trying to keep herself together. She would wake up every day feeling like an empty shell. She could not continue to live having felt happiness and having it taken away. She had six flights of steps to go. She began to run. She remembered when He ended it. The last true kiss. The last time he walked away. The smell of his neck as he hugged her goodbye. Feelings of confusion and hurt? What had happened? HE cheated. It wasn’t her fault. She had given him her entire soul and that was the biggest thing she could offer him but he lied and cheated through his teeth. HE chose to pursue Other. There was nothing that she could do. She didn’t know what to do. She felt violated. He walked out the door and he did not offer to return her soul, her tears. She had reached the top of the climb and she pushed open the door to the roof. The night was clear but frigid. The cold air hit her lungs as she began to cough. She stepped towards the edge of the roof and looked up into the sky. For a second she felt like if she jumped she could fly away and leave the pain on the roof. But she knew that the pain would find its way back to her. She closed her eyes and she saw him.

~He was right next to her, holding her hand. They were in a park, sitting under a great big tree watching the sunset. He was wearing a blue t-shirt and shorts and she was in a light flowery sun dress. They were both staring out at the horizon, watching the sun set. The sun set was golden. The world was serene. There were no problems, no anxiety. The world was a perfect place and they both loved each other.~

It was the only thought that soothed the cavity where her soul once was. But without a soul, without the power of belief. Without the strength to breath, she was as good as dead.

She jumped. ~~~~~