grief

grief is a really strange thing. it comes in waves but sometimes its drowning and you want to reach out and ask for help but you don't want to pull anyone else down with you. it's especially hard when you're pregnant and your pregnancy is literally tracking your grief, but you aren't grieving your pregnancy - you're grieving the aunt of your baby.

four months ago on the third, my boyfriend and i (along with his family and all of her closest friends) lost his little sister (24 yo) to a car accident. no one was with her. she was alone. and that's something that absolutely kills me inside. while i'm thankful it was only her in her vehicle (the other single occupant of the other vehicle also passed - may he rest in peace as well) i can't help but hate thinking about how scary that must have been for her.

his sister and i didn't have the strongest relationship for the longest time. while my boyfriend and i have been together only a year and a half, i have known his sister since we were in middle school back in the early 2010s. her and i had our differences for 12 years until her brother and i started dating and then before i realized it she was my other half, my best friend, the one that i spent every last second of my free time with that i could. we held each others secrets, stories, memories. even though i'm only a few weeks older than her for once i had a "little" sister and it felt so amazing to have that bond.

i found out that i was pregnant on the three weeks of her death, then found out on the four months of her death that we're having a girl - and boy do i wish she was here for me to share this with. she always wanted to wait until she was financially stable in a house of her own to have children but she could NOT wait for her brother to have kids so she could be the crazy titi (they're peurto rican).

i miss her every day. the way she would laugh at the smallest things so hard and so easily. the way she would pop her head into her brother and i's room and ask me if i wanted to play catan or smoke with her. the way she would listen so attentively to me when i would share something with her as if she didn't hate me for 12 years. the way we became each other's safe person - the person that we could tell anything to and that we could be our authentic selves around without having to worry about being judged. she gave me so much of myself back in such a short period of time that i didn't realize i had lost and i will forever be thankful for the time that we had together. the bowling. our trip night. the lake. countless nights of playing catan till 2am without realizing it. i miss her. hearing her voice echo through the house. hearing her footsteps come up the stairs. smelling her hair products throughout the house after she showered (we have completely different hair textures so her product always smelled stronger and better than mine).

i would give anything to go back to august and save her but i know that i can't so i have to continue to live my life for her. to continue to make her proud of me. to continue to give the grace that she gave me. to continue to love her people until the day i'm gone so that they know they're not alone even though she's gone.

some days i lock myself in her room and refuse to leave except to go to the bathroom because it's still the one place that makes me feel understood and safe, even though she isn't physically there anymore. it's crazy how spaces can hold energy for so long.

anyways - this became a long ramble so i'm gonna go ahead and stop here because i know not a single mf actually read this shit lol

Published by augusta addison <3

grief

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