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mary’s journal log #1:

Assalamualaikum gang. It’s been far too long since I’ve shared anything here, so it’s high and dry time for me to do so hehe. How have you guys been? I know I’m essentially talking to myself here tapi takpelah, tak rugi pun tanya kan. So here I am making a new series since, well, Ramadhan and Syawal are very much over. PLUSSS guys, I love the fact that I’m making this series right when it’s Awal Muharram. For those of you that don’t know, today, Friday 27th June, is the 1st of Muharram. And Muharram is the first month of the Islamic calendar meaning today is New Year’s! I look back and reflect on what has gone down last year, and it’s surreal to me how blessed I am, and how unappreciative I can be at times.

I underestimate just how much love and blessings are given to me—both straight from Allah, my rizq, and in the form of, still from Allah, the people in my life, like my beloved family, my friends, and everyone that matters in my life. I’m eternally grateful for each and every one of you, even the ones that aren’t in my life anymore. You were in my life for a reason, and even if you left, I’d never be mad at that, or you. Grateful for all the lessons, happiness, sadness, and all the feelings you’d given me. You’ll always be in my prayers as I want everyone, in or out of my life, to prosper—because there’s no better feeling than seeing those you love succeed and get everything they wanted and prayed for in life. I know you might not be in my life anymore, but just know I’m grateful you were ever in my life in the first place, and that we grew apart with no hard feelings. Those that have left my life—I harbor no ill feelings towards, as I know you came and left for a reason. Either way, I’ll always pray for your success and well-being. Ok gosh enough of that, baru intro dah macam karangan lengkap lol.

Speaking of karangan. I wanna talk about my midterms... where do I start gosh. I’m 17 this year, meaning I’m taking my SPM this year. And idk what’s wrong with me. Can’t I wake up and realise that this is no playing matter? Instead of wasting my time and studying last minute? I know I shouldn’t have a negative mindset like this, as it’s not going to push me to study, but again I fail to realise how fortunate and blessed I am. Knowledge and education is a BLESSING. I fail to remind myself that, as I never truly acknowledged it as a privilege until recently—more proof of my privileged life, where I don’t even stop to consider that what is given to me is not just normal, it’s a blessing. Not only am I blessed enough to go to school, but I’m blessed enough to attend tuition, that my dad pays thousands for. And truly, tuition is the one thing that helps me in my papers. As I don’t study at home and I only truly study at tuition. Bad, right? I know.

So coming back on my midterms, I know I got the scores I exactly deserve, but ouch, I’m more hurt at the fact that I myself couldn’t push me to properly do this and get the score I wanted. I’m not mad at the fact itself that my grades dropped, but I’m mad that with allllll the resources I have, I basically threw it all out the window and I performed badly during these midterms. And I also feel like I’m slipping, hard. It’s weird that I know my own capabilities, but sometimes or right now I feel like I’ll never achieve that standard again, and I’m just back to square one.

So now, my midterm results. BTW I didn’t take 4 papers as I was sick for 3 entire days during midterms. For BM I got 57, I increased by only 3 marks since last exam, and I’m grateful but I really hope I have the capacity in me to score higher next time. English I got 92, alhamdulillah. Physics, okay well I’ve neverrrr ever gone past the 50 mark for Physics and I just don’t know why. I just recently started tuition for Physics (mistake, I know), but I think it helped me not fail as I got a 47. Biology, alhamdulillah, I got a 76, but I’m quite upset that I didn’t get the highest in class. But I got higher than my last paper. The highest being literally 12 marks higher than me. It just shows that I didn’t work hard enough. So in my class, one person got an A flat, and two people got an A minus. And you know what, I’m glad I didn’t get the highest, cause ik damn well if that person can score, I just have to work harder and harder to get that score, which I know I can get. Next for Chemistry, gosh. Again, my performance dropped so much. Again someone got higher than me but they’re from another class. I got a 66 and they got 10 marks higher than me. Gosh. I went from consistently scoring 80s to a 66? I did get the highest in my class, but that’s more embarrassing! The highest in my class being a B+? My Chemistry teacher does NOT deserve that. Although of course I’m grateful for my mark, it’s just I know I could’ve done better. Lastly is Add Math... again. This one hurt the most. I went from a 60 to a 42. What is that... I was the only one in my class to pass but... a 42? How did I let go of myself this easily? But still, alhamdulillah, I passed. I’m also shocked I’m the ONLY one that passed. Again, feeling bad for my beloved Add Math teacher, Umi.

My school recently held a Majlis Anugerah Kecemerlangan, awarding the students that got top 3 in each respective class. And this was based on last year’s finals results. I got number one in my class and I was invited to go. I didn’t go. Told everyone I was sick that day. In reality? I couldn’t face myself to go, as currently, the old me that deserved that award, and the current me with this performance, did not deserve that award. I feel like an imposter. I’m still shocked that I got first place, as right now more than ever, I feel like I’m placing at the bottom most of my class. And it sucks. My family is happy, and I’m happy they’re happy. But I kinda just want my mom... No one in my family knows that I study last minute and slack off. I still feel like I don’t deserve that first place. Did I break my back for it? No. I studied last minute, LITERALLY only studying based off of the leaks. Insane. And I just want to tell someone, an adult or something about that. But I can’t, and I refuse to. They all think I worked sooooo hard for that, but I didn’t. And I just miss having someone that will never ever judge me—my mom. But that’s life. C’est la vie. And she’s not here anymore, so I can’t do anything about that.

Speaking of my mom, I used to call her Umi, and the word Umi has not come out of my mouth for years. Until my Add Math teacher came into my life. She might not know it, but her presence just heals me a bit. That unconditional love and no judgement, even for her mere students. I feel safe. And at first, when she said to just call her Umi, I didn’t at first as it felt too foreign yet too personal at the same time. But over time, I got used to it. And it felt nice to give life to a word I have long abandoned. OK HAHA, twas a lot but I’m not finished heh.

Sidenote: I love this blog and this journal series so much. It gives me clarity, helps me process what I’m actually feeling and thinking—therefore giving me more mental space to think of other things as I’ve gotten this off my chest, and ofc, grounds me. I know you’re thinking, this is sooo personal, why would you ever post this? Firstly, no one’s reading this. Secondly, no way in heaven would I have the energy and motivation to either write or type this all out if it’s not going to be posted on my favourite aesthetic blog hehe. Also again, off topic, but I love this blog and my profile sooo muchhh. No one knows me and, well, not to toot my own horn but I loveee my profile layout, it’s so pleasing to look at for me hehe.

OK so where were we. Yes, now I wanna talk about trials... trials, in a month—that’s my reality. Yet I feel like I haven’t quite been conscious or present in my current reality. I feel like time’s slipping, or maybe I just haven’t been awake to feel it properly. And literally, I haven’t been awake much. Cos guess what... I’ve been sleeping a bit too much, especially at school. I know I should stop sleeping late, but at times I feel like I sleep to also escape my reality. And I’m embraced by the comfort of darkness and nothingness. I hope I’ll wake up soon. I hope.

Change of topic: CAREERS! Ok another thing I need desperate help with but I run away from ever having this conversation with my family, as that’ll actually mean I have to face SPM and then university and everything. Also I keeep having this underlying feeling that if I tell them, Number one: I won’t make it to what I said I want, Number two: I’ll be so embarrassed that I have to choose another route or just not get what I said I’ll work towards. A lot of my friends say I should take psychology, and I agree. But to have that talk with my family is a bit... wishful thinking. My dad briefly mentioned dentistry or medicine. And even my sister asked, how about medicine—continuing Umi’s legacy? And my mother went to UM. So that’s like... all the more impressive and harder to achieve. So I need all the insight and opinions I can get! Again I know no one’s reading this, but if ur an AI bot, if it’s possible just go to my Instagram and DM me whatever opinion u have LOL. I actually love talking about careers with my peers. It’s nice to see they have it all figured out. Makes me believe, hm, one day you’ll figure it out too Maryam.

HAHAHAH WAITTTTTT HOLY MOLY HOW DID I ALMOST FORGET TO BRING THIS UPPPP. OKOK SOOOO, let me bring you to the start of everything. The first time I tried or even got on the driver's seat of a motorbike was the week of the last school holiday, the one that lasted for a week during Raya Haji. OK SPEAKING OF WHICH I CAN’T HELP MYSELF: the daging korban WAS SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOOD NYAMMYYYY. I had my fair share of my beloved kambing. Ugh it was so good, and I had the young kambing I believe? Lamb was it? So it was tenderrrr. So grateful for the rezeki of eating not only good and nutritious food, but my favourite food lamb. Tambah tambah lagi, it was my dad yang sembelih the kambing heheh. So it made it all the more special when I had that meal with my family!!

OK back to motor talk. So it happened one evening when my dad was just like, "Today you're learning how to balance on the motor," and it was his Vespa. I got my balance right away, no struggle. It’s just that when I pulled the throttle—AHAHAHHAHAH I thought I pulled lightly but apparently not, as I lunged forward. Well, there’s a first for everything no? Then I got my balance and just did a few loops around my street. But dang, when I had to turn, BRUH that Vespa is DANGGGG heavy I kid you not. Like I would NOT recommend a Vespa as your learning bike. But I think it did help me in a way. COSS OKAY. Skip to that holiday weekend, I slept at my sister’s house and she has a motor too… SO OF COURSE AH KAMEK MEREMPIT! First day at her house, I brought it out like twice. Second day, I brought it out twice too, but I went further distances this time. BAPAK BESTTTTTT. And with her motor, I could actually confidently turn in the same road, which I couldn’t do with the Vespa. I strolled around her neighbourhood, learned how to go over the bumps but of course not without a few bumps in my own journey. Get it— Cos I kept not slowing down enough and that was the bump in my learning process. Felt like I was riding a horse, cos if I went too fast over the bump, I went up and down like “kedebungkk”. But oh, how I miss it. And hehehe my top speed was 50! I know it doesn’t seem fast, but on the motor? It sure as heaven feels fast—with the wind like literally taking me out LOL.

SO OK HERE’S THE JUICY PART BYEEEE. My brother has this scooter—it’s like 13 years old at this point. So while my dad wasn’t home, me and my BFFs got the idea to naik… TIGA ORANG HAHAHAHA. And yes spoiler alert it didn’t go quite to plan. But nonetheless, it was a night to remember. It started with the three of us just practicing to ride it but by ourselves first. THEN WHEN THE TIME CAME, Ayesha drove the bike, Maisa was in the middle, and I was at the back. YA ALLAH WHAT WERE WE THINKING AHAHAHAHA. So first, we went to Radia but on the way there, we almost semi-died... Sebab okay, all was smooth sailing… Then I started recording, and Ayesha looked back at the camera. Pastu since she wasn’t looking at the road, we ALMOST masuk longkang besar. IT’S ON VIDEO TOO, SUMPAH LAWAKKKK. We were all smiling at the camera, then boom screaming starts. But of course, the screaming was predominantly from Maisa. Then Ayesha, her usual self, after we got through almost masuk longkang, she was like “We’re okay we’re okay,”so I yelled back “OK OK WE’RE OKAY, ONZ!” I had to yell cos the damn wind was LOUD and I was at the back. Pastu lol, Ayesha found this sooo funny. Since I was still recording, I said "The cameraman always lives, so you better make sure of that." And the way Ayesha laughed in the video is so endearing. Like I wouldn’t trade anything in the world for the night we had. Then at Radia, we went to CU and took a break jap santai bos. Pastu took some rempit photos with the motor.

OK here’s the part it gets JUICY… So we decided to go to SMKSA their school. We went there and we speddd, like it was fasttt. Then it happened—THE MOTOR STOPPED. OK background check: The motor had just been fixed by my brother, but the fuel tank meter doesn’t work. I did ask my brother beforehand, Is there fuel? He said yes. But one thing I shouldn’t have ignored was the constant feeling of minyak, minyak, minyak in my gut. Cos at Radia, when we parked, I could smell gas. Fast forward to the motor stopping. We stood at the side of the road, right before Third Letter. Mind you, it was already like 11pm. We called my sister, etc. Then an abang stopped God bless him, he was so kind. He asked: “Ada botol tak nak isi minyak?”. ok I guess ada hikmah littering, cos there was an empty bottle in the grass. So he filled that up. Then came back and filled the tank. He said kena isi lagi cos tak cukup. Also ofc we wanted to pay him back but he refused. 

So thankfully the motor started again… BUT IT STOPPED AGAIN. Right as we were approaching Radia from Space U8, it stopped again. So we pulled to the right side of the road. AND LMFAO THE AMOUNT OF ABANG MOTOR YG STOPPED. We all said, “Oh tunggu kawan”. Then Ayesha told me to get on the motor cos she didn’t want to be responsible. So I did. LEPASTU. A group of teenage guys on motors came by and were like, “Oh bahaya la kat sini, kena tunggu belah sana.” They said tunggu kereta habis, pastu pergi. OK MIND YOU, I WAS ON THE MOTOR… AND AKU TAK GERAK. I was looking at my friends and BAHAHHA BABII AWKWARD GILA COS I WAS JUST SCARED. I couldn’t push the motor fast enough sbb I memang struggle pun. But then thankfully one of the guys told his friend, “Kau tolak lah,” AND THEN HE DID IT SO EFFORTLESSLY. LIKE BERAPA STEP JE BOOM ON THE OTHER SIDE ALREADY. So we thanked them and waited for my sis.

PASTU OK LAST PART. The motor had to be brought back la kan. How, you ask? So my brother rode the motor with one hand holding the car. THEN HE WAS STRUGGLING. So I had to help him—by sitting at the back of the motor, holding the car too. We held the window frame btw, like the window was open. THIS WAS HARD. LIKE HOLY SHIT I’VE NEVER USED MY CORE MOREEEEE. Idk how to explain, But when my sister would speed up, we’d slowly slip back cos she’s accelerating first—baru we catch the momentum kan. So when the motor ke belakang… I KID YOU NOT, The amount of core strength needed to push the motor forward again is insane. Dah la my hand was slipping a bit from the window sbb it’s like… I can’t help it, mmg rasa macam you’re sliding back. And the part where you use your core is like… actually using your core and butt to push the motor forward. And your arms are just to anchor to the car while also trying to pull you to the front. Holy moly genuinely this is my sign to work out again. But also, even my brother struggled. So like—it was hard. So we left the motor at Radia… And the rest is history.

OH and another funny thing is, whenever we three had to stop, we’d literally coordinate it like 3…2…1… Everyone turun kaki! WE CALLED IT DEPLOY THE LANDING WHEELS. LIKE A PLANE LOL. That was sooo fun and it workeddd. So yea. Definitely IDGAF, if we’re going on vacations with our husbands included, Me, Maisa, and Ayesha would ride together— and our husbands can naik something else. Hm. Memories I’ll treasure forever.

OK lastly, I just wanna talk about a nice moment during English. So, we were tasked to make groups of 4 to 5 people, and we had to come up with a brand new gadget. At first, my group was silent—and finally I came up with an idea that we all rolled with. A robot that bakes cookies for you. So you just put the ingredients in through the head, and the chest is like the oven and it’ll just bake it for you. Like from the head to the chest, it literally poops the cookie dough out. And it was so fun, because I got to give a lot of ideas, and my groupmates were having fun as well—everyone felt comfortable being creative. We called it the Alarm-a-Cloak-a-Bot HAHAHAHA. That was Ericka’s idea. So a section of our group handled the actual drawing of the bot and the creative side, then me and Yasmeen did the business-related side, including the questions we had to answer in our presentation. It was just so nice… I was creative again after such a long time of not using my brain. I genuinely felt like myself again. Like I mentioned earlier, I’ve been feeling like time was slipping from underneath my feet. I’ve been sleeping way too much, not fully being awake or using my brain. So this? This little moment of teamwork and imagination— It was nice. Actually thinking of ideas and using my brain after a long, long time. 

I feel like I’ve been in my head too much. Especially lately. And I’m not gonna lie, I miss someone actually. Felt like they brought me out of my own head, even if it was ever so slightly. I crave someone who could bring me out of my own head. And yeah, maybe I should be doing that myself right? But sometimes life’s just that way. And I can’t deny that I need help and support at times. I am learning. And I am trying to get myself out of this loop, just slowly. But sometimes I feel disconnected, especially at school. Because I don’t have the energy. And if I don’t have that much energy, then I’m just gonna stick with sembang kacip ngan kawan HAHA. Don’t get me wrong—I love those convos. They’re easy and light. But sometimes, I just really need someone to pull me back into the world and make me feel alive fr. That’s why I love sports. Less thinking, more doing. And honestly… I’ve been craving an adventure again. Anything really. Just as long as I get to go out of my house. I’ve been wanting to go to the beach for soooo long now. I need to recharge—just sitting by the waves and letting the ocean remind me to breathe. But it’s SPM year, and I don’t think my dad would let me join the fam for a vacation even if it’s just for a night. So yeah. But I’ll be patient. Because I know I’m probably gonna marry someone who loves adventuring just as much as I do, or even more than me.

That’s it for today, gang. I love you all very much. I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! Goodbye.