missing old friendships

Recently, i've been missing people from my past. people i loved. people i cherished. as of late, i've been thinking a lot about my ex-best friend. she was such a big and integral part of my life, up until a year ago. i was the one who broke things off between us for a multitude of reasons. as much as we loved each other, we also hurt each other unintentionally. i denied myself the space to grieve our friendship because of the guilt i felt. i was the one to break things off. how could i have the right to feel sad about it? well, nearly a year later, i finally let myself feel it. i can feel all the sadness i didn't allow myself to feel for 11 months. i feel her absence. i feel regret. i miss her laughter. i miss talking to her. i wish we could have another conversation. i wish i could still reach out to her and everything could go back to how it was... but i know it's not healthy. we are still healing. well, at least i am. i won't reach out, but i won't deny myself the space to feel these emotions. i loved her, i still do. i wish things could have been different, im sure she felt that way too. yet we both knew it was better to leave things where we did. im glad she was in my life. she taught me so much.i miss her, but i know it's better to sit with this feeling than to open old wounds. i won't forget her. i won't regret her. i hope she's happy and that she looks back on our frienship fondly.