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I have neglected to update, simply because I feel a little overwhelmed with my daily duties. However at this point I have all these thoughts I can't tell really anyone. The ton of social media isn't helping and it just serves to make me feel more isolated in some cases.
Here's brandi, alone in her little tower.
The good news is that I do have THIS social media, and I made it for the specific purposes. I am going to allow myself to think and type freely here. I don't have to be happy all the time.
I couldn't help but think about my ex today. Have you ever like, not really felt yourself naturally fall in love with someone, but rather kind of pushed yourself into it? I realize he was probably the most toxic choice I'd ever made in my life. I don't know why I chose to help him out of the situation he was in, I don't know why I trusted him to be different. I hate that he played on my ability to empathize. Here I saw this person that I felt was like me, just no one had given him a chance to be any better.
I realized so many things I didn't like and let so much go until it would just boil over. I knew he wasn't right for me, but I feel bad that I kind of found someone with nothing and settled with that. I guess I expected him to realize that I wasn't just some hot girl somehow he had the fortune to hook up with, I am intelligent, driven, and can make a house a home. As vain as it sounds to say this boy was not good looking, he was not particularly smart, he never brought money to the table or really much else but that I felt this sense of extreme pity for him and he made me laugh. It was hard to even have a conversation with him.
The parts that are bad of me are bad. My Bipolar is a bitch to deal with for a mate but he was constantly making me question my own reality, and now for being away from it I realize it made my symptoms so much worse. Every time I would start to make progress, something else would happen that he would ether deny until his face turned blue, or admit to and then blame me.
Granted I shouldn't had cut him down the way I did. I shouldn't have yelled at him. There's a lot I shouldn't do. He was constantly cheating and doing another thing I had made clear was a drop dead deal breaker, and I was a mean, suspicious bitch. It could've been different, but I feel like it was the first time I caught him cheating that kind of set off a crazy, chain reaction.
I guess the extra burn is the settling. Everyone always tells you not to go for a certain type or you will get burned. This is like the third time I have stepped outside of my attraction zone, really allowed myself to love this person and give my all, and every time, it pretty much ends the same.
I'm sorry if for the next bit I seem fixated on relationships. Its not so much that I am looking, at this point I would just like people to talk to about like interests, but I am most likely reflecting on what went wrong. I find myself thinking about it a lot.
I hope you guys are well and I hope you and your SO are happy and good.
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Aiden >:3
how long did u know him b4 u guys became romantic? or started dating or whtvr u kno wat i mean
tbh not very long. He was sort of a rebound for me. I do get that's one point where it went wrong but my brain still goes back to "Jesus if that didn't work what will you have to settle for to have a good one?" I really wasn't attracted to him at all at first, he just seemed to give me a lot more attention and be willing to do more to get my attention than anyone at the time, the rest just kinda made me feel bad. Then when he realized I was talking to a lot of people not just him he pretty much begged me into a relationship. we spent about a year together tho.
by Cinnibunbaby; ; Report
in terms of relationship advice... my personal opinion is tht best to try n find a friend first.. get 2 know someone over a period of maybe 3-4 months.. be their friend first n really know who they are.. then if there are mutual romantic feelings make something happen..
by Aiden >:3; ; Report