half assed poems

"just tell me you dont need me and in one second i'll jump off there right now."

i dont need you. i really do not need you. but i cant have you dead from me. i cant have your blood on my hands. no. not like this.

heres the truth - i dont need you. for years you have been saying this and in my mind ive always had the same answer.

i wish you were dead but selfishly not because of me.

the past never dies but graveyards are usually empty

will the colour of my fire change

will i change

will the wings i wish to grow

break

I hate myself

i did not burn down that home that day

but i’ve been burning inside ever since

all of me - turned to ashes

no one bled that day

but my ears have been for so long

too long -  eternity 

for snakes shed and come anew

i sadly cannot.

and despite the weight of the world,

despite the mourn of their loss

despite the fault lying on you

you still live on with might

you wish to be more than what you were

but have you ever atoned? do you wish to?

i wish there were two of me

i wish there were two of me

two people to please

two people i couldn't anger

i wish i only lived in one of them

and that the second me was mindless. doing as shes told

'what do you want?'

it doesn't matter what i want.

someone's gonna end up hurt and its always going to be me or someone else.

i wanna die

“you do not feel remorse. you will never understand.”

and you will never know the days i kneeled on the bathroom floor. or the days where i had to hide myself in the corner of my room, despite no one being home. the amount of times i cried and verbally begged forgiveness as a chant for hours in an empty room. how many times i’ve recited ‘it’s all my fault’ with a broken voice in an empty room. fell on deaf hears- no, fell on no ears.

i do not expect you to pity me. what i’m doing to myself right now. i deserve it. i deserve every single ounce of pain and regret and suicidal thoughts. because it’s true. it truly is my fault. and the more you say it, the more i believe it. i don’t need to ‘believe’ the truth. it’s written in the scriptures. 

it’s all my fault

my old self did not fight so hard to get better just for me to look back at her and view her as weak or embarrassing.

i love you like how moth love flame

i'd let you to torture me to pieces and more.

if it meant your presence.

you’re my god i'm your disciple. 

i'd admire you play it like how tradition admires wayang kulit.

she cheers over your absence. i weep.

forever i will feel the remorse haunt my guts. my heart. forever i feel how i was the reason. i killed the joy of my young sister's life. i killed the misery of my mother's. however i have no label for you of who you are to me. i will never know