oh to be an amorphous blob floating in sunny water

like, the idea of ourselves as a collection of defined traits and behaviors—that's a barrier, yeah? that's a filter through which one can view the world. in us, at least, it encourages repetition and stagnation. in the quest to have ourselves affirmed, we lose some of our ability to evolve

removing the idea of the self means removing the lens. if our goal is not to be a certain person but rather to do and experience things that are meaningful to us, then we cling less to habit and find more freedom in the everyday. who cares if we're inconsistent? who cares if other people interpret us as stupid, or careless, or flighty, or immature? if we don't have a self-concept to uphold, then the opinions of others prompt far less anxiety in us (i won't go so far to say that we've avoided the anxiety of judgement completely)

it feels like a remarkable way of looking at the world. we've been so reliant on plans historically, but our plans fail more often than they work, and trying to stick to them brings us pain. investment in an idea of the self feels like much the same: it's a plan for who we are and what we will do, and adhering to it alienates us from our creativity. life could be a lot more flexible and more interesting—even within the exhausting confines of a lower class income

this is playing nicely with our new life philosophy: the Point is to explore. when nightshade's depression was at its worst, we realized we needed a new idea to fall back on when we didn't feel driven towards anything. goals don't work since goals can become completed or out of reach. centering our philosophy on other people veers into self-sacrifice rather than kindness. but exploring? it recognizes the sheer variety and generosity of the world. it reminds us to try new things when we feel stagnant. it illuminates the value of things that lack defined end points

put together, we've been using these two frameworks to think of ourselves as experiencing things rather than being them. we are experiencing the feeling of being kind or cruel. we are exploring our creative projects rather than making progress on them. interpersonal tension or disagreements are simply uncharted territory—and we are here to experience whatever we haven't before. being present for other people has felt easier, and this has reduced a lot of the performance anxiety we've felt in the past when talking to others. without a defined sense of self, there's very little to perform

there's been a heatwave where we live. we're usually quite comfortable in the heat, but this is too much for us. our shifts end right around midday, so we're walking home in peak temp. it's heavy and thick, like being crushed with an anvil. as i write this, there's only one more day of it. i hope it doesn't flatten us completely. i do want to note down all of our research on how to stay cool without a/c. we've been lucky this time with the power staying on, but im sure there will be more of these

nightshade and i started a new movie the other day for date night: it's called night on the galactic railroad and im appreciating the sense of foreboding dread the movie has created in the first thirty minutes. everything it has depicted has been entirely mundane, but there's a sense that something is going to go wrong very soon. im anticipating a big change in tone; hopefully we'll have time to watch more of the movie soon

there's more i could say, but ive been working on this long enough. i'll leave the rest of the journaling to the others, and i'll see you in the next one