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does death need a tw? just a general tw for drug use too -
inviting all readers (yes, YOU!) pls share ur thoughts on death in the comments if ur reading this even if u dont read my blog, its mostly a rant for myself but id love to hear others thoughts/experiences on death
its been haunting me. In my dreams, the time before bed when you're drifting off to sleep,,,, even in my day to day life it comes across my mind. Last year my biological father, his dad, and my nana passed away, simultaneously in a row in the same 2-3 months. Then my hamster died which really sent me over the edge. My counselor recommends I just let my feelings/thoughts out so here I am at 4:30am instead of what I usually would do (existential crisis before bed)
I didnt know my dad. He was present for the first 7 years of my life then dipped on me and my brother. I was pretty upset when I found out over 10 years later he had two babies with another woman. I was his first and only daughter until he had them. Then he overdosed on accident and passed away in the hospital. His dad, my pawpaw, played a role in my life off and on up until a certain point like maybe 10 years old, then radio silence, didnt hear from them again. He died of cancer. Same with my nana, she had a lot of health complications but it was cancer in the end that took her.
Grieving has been hard, new, and weird. sometimes I wish I believed in a god or some sort of afterlife so I could be more at ease, but Im a very factual person, like I have doubts. No faith. Im not opposed to god, I do not insist there is no god, I am just unable to believe it. Its complex.
I am so afraid of dying, its the ultimate unknown. What happens after you die? Thats the big question, or at least one of them haha. If you're actually reading this I hope some of u comment because I am curious as to what others might say.
I have really bad anxiety so it just feels like life is the big "before" death, like that anticipation before something is what makes my anxiety so bad, its a mindset, I have issues but thats not exclusive to myself LOL
Worst of all, my anxiety/stress induces vivid stressful dreams like im talking absurd natural disaster stuff. Sometimes it's light things like oh im late for work, I forgot/lost something etc etc
then theres the bombing dreams like dreams of my hometown getting bombed and my brother dies and just crazy shit like that. And I cant stress enough how vivid dreams are for me, even regular ones, its genuinely surreal waking up
I've been trying to change my mindset on death, Im still young soo, I'll get comfortable and more used to it at some point (hopefully for my sanity's sake) Right now its been a huge negative to me. Death is scary and takes away. Its so silly but I miss my hamster so fucking much. Her name was Tibbles and it is INSANE how they rapidly age, she died of old age. I am still so devastated and that was almost a year ago. I also just wish I could ask my dad some questions and show him the person I ended up being without him.
anyways I shouldnt ramble too much, I have to end this off on a positive note for my sake but something else that has helped was focusing on the things in life I still have to acomplish, like long term life goals/experiences. My counselor told me to focus on that when I get overwhelmed with thinking about death. Theres still so much I want to do before I die, and I have time
cheers
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MAD SCIENCE
Almost no one realizes that they are always dying with every breath they take. Every exhale is you excreting the carbon that was once you back into the cycle of life. You don't get to choose which plant/fungi and subsequent bugs and animals it becomes. Just as the atoms that make up the food that you eat that becomes you didn't get to choose to become you either.
When you die, more of your phosphorous atoms go back into the cycle because that's what your bones are made of.
You are always dying, you are always living. Just all over, and all at once, humans just can't currently feel this process in an obvious way. But all of the atoms can be tracked and accounted for. So essentially everyone else is you, and you are them. So always be kind to yourself.
Also, it is better to have died living, than to have died never having lived at all. ;)
by MAD SCIENCE; ; Report
insightful perspective, makes me feel slightly better about the unavoidable end we all will face :p
by ⋆｡°✩mouse✩°｡⋆; ; Report
End?
by MAD SCIENCE; ; Report
the end of our lives
by ⋆｡°✩mouse✩°｡⋆; ; Report
Ah, there is no end, just a different form. That atoms that you once called "myself" are already millions of other living things.
by MAD SCIENCE; ; Report
its true, I suppose I mean more like our conscious lives, if thats the right way to put it
by ⋆｡°✩mouse✩°｡⋆; ; Report
Yeah that's true, I see what you mean now ;P
by MAD SCIENCE; ; Report
Noe
as someone who has lost their father pretty recently, death is something that once was feared, and has now become something that is expected in my life. losing someone who i considered my best friend for many years of my life and who had such a large impact on my life making me who i am today, has made me realize that while its not something people want to deal with, it should actually become something that turns life into a good event and should push you towards leaving your comfort zone and trying new things. things that bring worry shouldnt just be ignored or ran from, maybe test the waters and try something new, give yourself stories to give people later on in life, its extremely daunting obviously but once you start to get good at trying new things you can do basically whatever your heart desires. obviously thought grief is something that a lot of people tend to deal with on their own in their own ways, so if you know someone who is grieving and is willingly letting themselves stay inside and stay either under the radar or willingly bedrotting, try to spend time with them help them out in ways they might not be able to help themselves. its what saved my life when i thought that everything was over, my best friend literally saved my life, and a lot of people dont have the ability to say that, so hopefully someone else reading this reply will be able to get something from it.
this was a giant rant and im sorry to do that in the comments, best of luck OP and hopefully you can find ways to cope with the loss youve experienced
by Noe; ; Report
THANK U FOR SHARING and im sorry for your losses. Its nice to know at least we aren't alone in this seemingly big vast world, its genuinely comforting just reading others rants. Life can be so scary sometimes, I get carried away worrying so I forget to stop appreciate/look forward to the good things in life
by ⋆｡°✩mouse✩°｡⋆; ; Report
life is everything including scary. its joyful and fun and horrifying and sad and all we can do is adapt to our situation, all we really have the ability to do as humans is to re-flexibly respond to what is put right in front of us. i thank you a lot for the kind words, it took me a long time, and is still taking me more time, to become a healed person, and thats all we can do, is go through whatever has happened to us and let time change us. my therapist once told me that even though shes twice my age, she is still suffering from the loss of her father, and things still effect her in ways she didnt or doesnt expect. its made me realize that us as humans are anything but perfect, moreover far from it. the internet has given us a way to feel connected yet isolated, and we as humans time and time again, have been a social group of creatures. in the ancient times us humans have been in large groups, and thusly there was mostly a lot less isolation, but while we are here in our rooms typing away on our computers or phones, we are unknowingly left to our own devices and thoughts. we are left to dwell on things that have happened to us or will happen to us, and when put through prolonged alone time, we end up going fucking insane. all we can do is find like-minded people that are willing to listen to us and give us social interaction, while also choosing them to be able to help us and be safe with eachother. not everyone is a perfect match, and not everyone is good for us, we cannot let us become dependent on other people solely for their comfort or ability to make us happy for small time periods, especially when the small amount of happiness they give us is outweighed by the amount of sorrow or anger they make us feel. all we can do is change.
by Noe; ; Report