Early Morning Blurb 4

Good morning once again.

This morning I'm thinking about autism. To be fair, I think about it a lot ever since I found out I had it. Not just it specifically, but the sense of otherness. I think I feel it the most when I hang out with people my age who aren't autistic. It's a rare occurrence, but every time its like I'm miles behind them in life. I know comparison isn't health, especially since everyone has lived a life separate from mine, and they have all had different obstacles and advantages. To be honest, it almost feels worse when I'm around neurotypical teenagers. One of my younger friends, she's seventeen, and already has a car and a license. Something that I am severely lacking currently, at my grown ass age. Now I don't know if her parents bought her the car or if she got it herself, but in my stupid bean shaped brain it never even matters. Its always just, "They have Age thing and you don't have Age thing and you are BIGGER AGE!!!! YOU ARE STUPID!!!"

I think I especially felt it when I hung out with my brothers friends a couple days back, too. It's not that they aren't lovely people, they're all very sweet, but I'm definitely a fifth wheel 90% of the time, and thats okay. Just with a hint of otherness. Any time I have this feeling, I always have this little jingle that goes off in my head. It's from a very old show called Quantum Leap. In one of the episodes, there was a character with downs syndrome, and they had a music motif for him. To me, in my own little brain, I made a joke to myself saying it sounded like the theme for autism too. Just anything spectrum related. And now, any time I feel that little tinge of otherness, it twinkles in the back of my head. And I don't feel like I'm twenty, but like I'm that awkward 10 year old kid that didn't try to make a joke but everyone was laughing anyway.

I don't know what this feeling is, but I think I've always experienced it one way or another. I just haven't felt it as deeply as I do now that I know the direct cause of it. The worst part is I'm not sure if other people have felt this before or not. I feel like I'm going a little crazy sometimes.

I also feel, in some way, and I couldn't tell you how, but I think I may have gotten more autistic over time. That or I'm just finally hyper-aware of it. It's like its always there now. Like a weird co-pilot along with all my favorite fictional characters, haha.

Yeah one of these days I'll have to tell you all about my mind palace. All my favs live up there and talk to me sometimes. Don't know what part of my mental illnesses that might be, but I don't really care because they can't control what I do. It's kinda like Mystery Science Theater 3000, they're all just kind of watching and quipping about what I do. Arthur Morgan and Astarion are easily my worst influences, because they don't want me to take shit from anyone. Ever.

I don't know, maybe its some sort of coping mechanism that helps me make sense of my emotions, helping me organize and categorize them into little filing boxes. Yeah, I've got a huge wall of them in there too. Maybe next post can be me describing it in more detail.

Sometimes I'm very happy I have something like that, almost a little prideful that I've got a floorplan of my own brain on speed dial. And then I remember that is a Very Not Normal thing that not most people do. Oh well, at least me and sherlock do. And we're very normal and upstanding citizens.

I think I'm gonna end it here, otherwise it's gonna get a hell of a lot more autistic up in this bitch.

Published by Lina

Early Morning Blurb 4

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