life update/rant time 06.25.2025

oh yay baby my mind is so far in rant mode im too lazy to even turn on music. just kidding i love music im gonna put on some musicccc. oh yeah music is on. anyways my brain is moving at a million miles an hour and i just realized i havent posted some form of blog about my life in quite a while wowowowoowow. i cant sleep for the life of me, sleep schedule has me fucked so far up the ass i dont think ill sleep right again.

okay so yesterday i woke up a 2pm because i went to bed at 4am that night and then my idiot brain decided the best choice was to instead of going to bed at a regular time, like 11pm-2am, i went to bed at 8am. yes you heard right, i woke up at 2pm and then stayed up all throughout the day and then was awake until the next morning. what the skibidi is wrong with me. then after i went to bed at 8am i woke up at 12:30?? my "nights sleep" was more like an early morning nap than a real sleep. at this point my regular nap time (i only nap like 3-10 times a month give or take) is turning into my full sleep time. cuz in my mind on days i have naps its like:

8am (wake)-->6pm (nap)-->10pm (wake)-->2am(sleep)-->8am(wake)

but at this point its more like

2pm (wake)-->8am (nap)-->12pm (wake)

im running off of 4 hours of sleep bruh help

anyways this isnt about sleep... OR IS IT!??!! anyways apart from that, ive basically been rotting in my bedroom, i only leave to make tea or ramen or some other snack. that also reminds me, my fridge broke and i think its my fault cuz my whole childhood the rule was "never touch the fridge buttons ever" and when i was trying to fill up the kettle for tea i accidently hit a button and then the same day my fridge exploded. not really but also yeah it totally exploded. basically my mom tried getting water from the automatic water thing thats on it, and we have an ice maker but its broken but when she tried to get water the water exploded and leaked everywhere and it was bad. we cant have nice epic water anymore now i have to drink from the tap like some peasant. im kidding i dont mind tap water, people who are all pissy about tap water pmo. 

that reminds me, i knew this girl in elementry school who was complaining about her water bottle not being full and i said "why not just fill it up with the fountain" and she was like "no thats gross!" and it was infact no gross because we had those touch free ones. she reminds me of terry from the amazing world of gumball. anyways my next suggestion was to use the part where people drink from if she didnt like the water despenser and she said no, so i said use the sink and she said. "tap water is so gross and unhygienic, it tastes weird and its mememememmemem" you care more that its tap water than that its from the tap in the bathroom?? erm okay

I made this wonderful example wow

what the frick was i even talking about. oh yeah my fridge exploded but im done on that topic so now its time for..... drumroll.. new topic!!! ahhhhh!!!

okay so artfight is starting soon?? im so excited im gonna scream, i wanna look at more characters i can draw cuz oh my gyattttt. i found this character i am GOING to draw and shes so freaking cool

look oh my gyattt when im done the attack ill so totally post it, ill probably post attacks on bulletins and then when artfight is over ill post all my attacks + revenges. also somehow i have a mosquito bite when i havent been outside in actual days. just kidding i went to micheals today and bought new pens. i was out for less that 30 minutes but its the thought that counts.

with artfight im really wanted to plan things better this year, last year i got art block and couldnt do freaking anything and im trying so desperately to hold onto this flow so </3 ive been watching a bunch of sketchbook tours and drawing in my sketchbook which i just realised i havent posted a sketchbook tour oops. i want to start a youtube channel, or at the very least post a tour for tiktok cuz ughhhhh im so dumb and dumb for all that responsiblity. so last year with artfight i bascially got artblock and stopped doing it after like 14 days. oops, i started a week late AND then within 4 days managed to gather 497 points. dont ask how i did that um. beat me with a wooden rod i guess?? locked in so hard i was unable to keep up with anything. i sent out too many attacks at once and couldnt focus of revenges because apparently i got a tiny bit popular even though i didnt post about artfight at all on other socials lmao?? anyways i got too many revenges and it stressed me out. also its hard when people who attack me have STUPID ocs

no offence but when your only 4 ocs are a basic kid with a staff, 2 object show ocs and a barely legible chibi thing i dont know to fucking do anything with that, i have no inspiration when looking at that :C i dont wanna draw a damn potted plant with legs bruh. its hard for me to stay focused and not drained if its for something i actually want to do, so its just hard with revenges :c really really hard. im gonna probably plan out many attacks and then when i have to revenge because someone attacked me then i will hope to put less effort into that. im doing everything in my sketchbook (i thinkkk) so i think ill have some form of revenge page, with will probably be a few pages and then ill set out pages for planning and pages for attacks. lots and lots of work </3

for attacks i want to do ocs that all share a similar colour pallet though, that would make it look more cohesive. im gonna start planning out the ocs i wanna use and make thumbnail some pages/poses/other stuff for now before art fight begins because no matter how far i prepare i will never feel ready. im scared and also very excited at the same time. i just hope this creative grind lasts. 

i have different mindsets in art and that is what helps me move forward. school project mindset is when my art teacher assigns ANOTHER fucking realism project. what a draggggg, im okay at realism but GOD FUCKING DAMNNNN its so borinngnngngnngng. its SO SO SOOSOSOSOOSOSO boring, it makes my eyes want to melt out of my skull. so school project mindset is when i just push through it because i have to and i think if i apply that to doing revenges where the artist doesnt have ocs that really speak to me, i should be a little more productive and on task.

i wanna take break days though, like ill do a big art day and then say wednesday is a rest and maybe plan day and then i take weekends when i go camping off. 

not sure what im thinking or how much im actually going to type but atp who even cares?? my friend got a girlfriend, which is such a shame, he was such a great friend. but you all know what happens when guys get girlfriends </3 whatever friendship you had with them before, expect it to be gone. joke flirting?? platonic touching, like holding hands or even any form of contact at all?? expect it all to be gone. it sucks a lot actually. not gonna go too deep into it but he was also a decent friend some days so it him getting a girlfriend just ruins everything. its always "not appropriate" even though its things i always used to do/say. i was like that with an old guy friend and he used to like pick me up to help me reach the basketball net and the high shelf and i would hold his shirt so i didnt get lost but then he got a girlfriend and he stopped talking to me and everything was about his stupid girlfriend. he refused to touch me and with this new guy friend its the exact damn same </3

now this is gonna sound weird but this is jsut my thinking and it probably wont make all that sense BUT. when we were friends it was okay to be physical and during that time that was always platonic and it was NEVER romantic then why on earth would that change when you get a girlfriend? if it was always platonic then why would it suddenly be me hitting on you???? :C guys make no sense man, why do they always do thatt. and its always fine with girls, when my girl friends gets a girlfriend/boyfriend (ngl most of my female friends are dating girls rn actually, but when i had girl friends with boyfriends)  they dont change at all, maybe a little but the physical aspect never changes. im still able to hug them and cuddle with them on the couch. and im not even that physical with my guy friends its just sometimes i am. i understand its peoples boundaries, and im not gonna break them just because im upset or dont agree, i just find it sad that things have to change. 

big bummer dude, but apart from that now that im completely single ive been thinking about how i want to go about things romantically. i dont like talking about romance on here all that much but i mean this is a little different. ive been recovering from my last relationship, which just so happened to leave me with some annoying trauma thats gonna be there for the rest of my life. im nervous about getting into  dating again because i dont wanna open up that trust again to someone but also i really miss being loved. i want to stay single but the feeling of being alone is starting to eat me alive in a way, if that makes sense. now this MIGHT be a bad choice on my part BUT. what if i text my ex??? eh eh?? its been over a year now and im sure they are over it by now and i actually know they are but like i know thats a bad choice. i need to stop getting back with my exes is so bad. 

for reference, my first boyfriend i dated 3 times, some girl i thought about getting back with but didnt, ex im currently talking about who is also my ex bsf/ex situationship that ended both really badly and really well at the same time, ex from grade 9 who i got back with twice and my most recent one deserves to burn alive. so not a good track record. and there are some random talking stages but who cares about those, that was mostly cuz i was bored or they failed early on. i only have like 5-7 ish. good glorious god thats a lot. jesus christ maybe i do need to stay single whattttt

anyways the one im talking about was actually really good up until it wasnt so you know, but also i just miss them as a friend so if we dont go anywhere i wouldnt care. yes i know there is a certain someone who i know irl who has my spacehey and actually reads my blogs will be reading this hoping im not talking about who they think i am. sorry ho dont kill me. just know its not the massive man whore.

new topic???oh yes i think so!!

i may have sprained my ankle like 2 months ago. hamilton is playing woohiooo,, listen RIGHT NOW. okay so my ankle. its still healing yeah butttttt... i may have set it back another month. um yay. i basically was sitting at my desk and i went "oh ouch my ankle hurts, i must need to relieve tension by twisting it sideways so it can crack" yeah well that USED to work BEFORE i sprained my ankle. so i twisted my ankle and basically just resprained it so the ankle brace has made its return. yay... :C

im out of thoughts now finally so im gonna go pee and if my dumb idiot brain remembers something ill put it here. 

turns out i have a lot more to talk about um. speedrun time. 

my grandma died and her dog also died the day before, im worried for my grandpa and my mom is taking time off work cuz her anxiety is really bad. currently trying desperately to ignore the damage the death of my grandma is doing to my family, so ive just been extra cautious around everyone. i accept death a lot differently that most, or i guess how my mom does. i stay in denial for so long that by the time it clicks to me that ill never seen them again and they are just gone then its already been to long to care. i know that if it was someone closer to me than i probably would care more. when my cat died i think i cared more. i think its sad that i cared more about the death of my cat than my grandma, i barely even cried for her. with my cat i still to this day hallucinate her walking around and it freaks me out. i like to imagine thats just her spirit, since her ashes are in the dead people corner. thats what i call it because its just a corner in my dining room that has a shelf with plants and a bunch of pictures and personal belongings to that person. my grandma is there, my dog is there, my cat is there and also a photo of my great aunt/step grandma. dead people corner.

my dad has been extra annoying lately, ithought he was bad before, cuz before he was just a little bit racist once a week and dad level misogynistic + homophobia if gay people were ever brought up. but now?? hes gone full right, hes insane now. i mean he voted blue (conservative, im canadian for anyone reading not from canada), he listens to charlie kirk and actually thinks hes a good person with good beliefs, he likes elon musk and says hes a business guy and i even caught his ass watching a youtube video about a conspiracy on how liberals ridged the vote. im sick of him. his misogynistic comments are worse, and hes homophobic any chance he can be. my parents wanted to know what one of my friends looked like so i showed them i my yearbook and tehy went full transphobia. it was word for word "names a girl?" "nope"-me "well she is a girl, she was born a girl" "yup, not anymore"-me "well thats too bad, shes a girl and she has a vagina" 

that was my mom btw, my dad was muttering about mental illness. i hate my family </3 also up until that point both my parents used he/him pronouns when referring to my friend until finding out they were trans. its annoying. my friend is pre-transition so theres only so much he can do to look like a boy, especially in school photos so my parents caught on almost instantly. very annoying. very very.

anyways, my dad broke his back and he has kidney stones. deserved though, thats what you get for becoming the exact thing i hate most in the world. not gonna dwell on that, i just dont have to see him as much cuz hes at doctors appointments almost everyday.

i watched mob psycho also and now im super fixated on it oops

thats the update i think, theres obvious things like school ending and all that but really so far this summer ive done nothing. i wish i had more friends so maybe i could do stuff. i dont like being stuck with my family, they are annoying.

3000 words later and now ive finally finished and the sun is rising. i might go sit on my roof for a bit, not sure