can time pause pls

Lately all the progress I've made in life feels set back by days where I go all out in the exact opposite direction. I know this is probably because I'm going ''all in'' on these changes and they're too drastic, but I've always been a ''more'' kind of person. Black and white. Tub of ice cream in a single day or starving for 3. That kind of thing. The ice cream, by the way, is always really fun. On those days I usually haven't eaten much either, but it's still quite stressful and too much. 

It's just hard, man. I don't think anyone who hasn't had an ED will ever know what it's like. 

I just don't know where I'm going in life right now. I want it to stop. I want to walk past a mirror without compulsively trying to make myself feel like shit. On the other hand I want more of those bad days where my beloved friends unfortunately notice my half-dead demeanor. 

He said I'm tan now. My hair is fuller. I look healthy. I was pale before? He did ask if I was balding. And 'healthy' feels like failure. 

I can't even trust myself. How much of me is my disorder? Plagued by it and become one. Kinda like butter and my mom's cooking. I can't imagine there's much left. I feel swallowed whole. Is my brain thinking we're going into famine or am I really just hungry?