feeling hopeless (emo shit don't click if that bothers you)

/tw: anorexia nervosa, suicidal thoughts, other very negative heavy thoughts

!!! please don't read this if you want to still pretend like i'm just a random decent person you friended- this is completely okay DO NOT LET CURIOSITY GET THE BEST OF YOU P L E AS E (even if this is a crusty and old post) !!!

i know that to get help you need to talk to people and i don't talk to many people about my emotions so here's this :") commence the angst rambling to get it out of my system and so that maybe i will feel weight off of my chest . may delete later if i'm too embarrassed .

it's that time again where i feel really horrifically embarrassed . i really need to keep track of my emotions because it feels like some weeks it's the best day ever , but now i feel so horrible . i feel really ashamed , like i'm being judged by everyone around me . my brain wants to tell me that even though i think i'm doing okay in life that i'm actually so far behind . that just because i can drive and i can pay the phone bill and car insurance doesn't mean that i've made it if i'm still unemployed and living with my parents .

like nobody has brought anything up , and yet i feel myself caving in . i feel like , how kid me always knew i was destined to starve myself one day , likewise i'll do myself in . in That way .

i know this is so so just like a fucking poser of me to just redo the layout to some dark , angsty theme and then now i'm feeling like this but i can't help when that emptyness sets in . 

if i want to make myself even more hopeless feeling i can just remind myself that it's been two whole years since i became anorexic . and now i'm underweight and have physical issues and it hasn't gone away yet and i don't even look skinny and it makes me want to claw my eyes out i'm so fucking sad with myself over it all . and i can't tell or talk to anyone in real life about it . everyone just acts either uncomfortable or makes a joke about it or "oh brother here we go again"s it basically . like i'm wearing a fucking monkey costume of this disorder that i'm officially diagnosed with and ...

and i hate it i hate it all . a blog is anything you can make of it and so here i am . i am sad and i am ranting and i hate myself but maybe not tomorrow because either everything is fine and wonderful or it's not and i'm hating myself and the world . regardless i'm still causing harm to myself , i'm still in this same STUPID predicament and i can hear my bones cracking and i am so , so scared . i have a therapist and i have help but the monster is stuck inside of my brain and it's never letting go. i'm medicated against depression and anxiety and for my adhd but this can never be treated , i will never look at myself without feeling disgust .

i'm mad that i look down at myself and i'm still fat and chubby . i'm mad that i haven't done it good enough for a difference . i'm mad that i can't tell anyone that i'm having trouble because they will not converse with me about it and it is so isolating.

this is what it feels like , i feel like i'm a fucking freak of a human . i feel isolated and alone and i really , really want friends but i can't talk to anyone good enough for that . i just stay up late , crying my eyes out as i write a fucking pity story about how much of an ogre i am .

i hope no one reads this but i don't want to be alone, i don't want something bad to happen to me one day and no one knows the intricacies of what it felt like. 

i'm going to sleep and hopefully everything will be okay and that tomorrow is a new day .