Finally found the motivation to commit, to myself

I was a working as a CNA & a dementia patient attacked me. He hurt me to the point that I left work to go to the urgent care. It was at the exact moment that the X-ray tech was skeptical about allowing me to lay down on her X-ray table that opened my eyes. She was concerned about the moving parts of the machine breaking due to the weight load of medical equipment. The weight limit was 300 & I was just barely under it. The next week, my doc told me I was in the pre diabetic range and wanted to start me on Metformin. I refused, went home & threw out all of the carbs in the house. Being that my bestie/roomie had just spent some time in the hospital due to issues related to (previously) undiagnosed diabetes, he was 100% on board with going keto. I lost 87 pounds. I’m no longer nearly diabetic. My A1C has normalized. So has my blood pressure and cholesterol. That was about 4-5 years ago. 

Somewhere along the way, I forgot my goals and got comfortable with where I was in the process, but I never met my goal, which was ultimately #onederland. I was dirtying up my keto a bit, cheating now & then, etc. I started feeling bad. Add this to the fact that Covid occurred and I somehow ended up quarantined in an emotionally abusive relationship, which triggered my (previously undiagnosed) CPTSD, and let to depression & a worsening of my ever present anxiety. 

Fast forward to today. I’ve been in therapy for 8 months. I’ve been single for 5 months. Most of my depression walked out of the door with her, so to speak. I haven’t struggled with that much since she’s been out of my life, but the CPTSD is something new to me, and it’s been an experience learning to recognize triggers and control

my trauma responses to them. I’m still going to therapy on a regular basis. I’m doing immersive therapy, where I’m intentionally triggering myself to practice dealing with triggers when they actually happen. My mental health has improved drastically, but my physical health has been on the back burner, until last month. I rededicated myself to doing meal prep, charting meals, doing yoga daily & getting more exercise. This has been a bit of a struggle, but I’ve begrudgingly developed these new healthy habits. 

Today, the scale reads 201.0. Only 2 pounds to my goal!!!! 

I’ll be reevaluating the situation to determine a new # for my goal weight, but I’ve also recently dedicated myself to actual physical fitness. Walking is boring, so my clumsy ass 42 year old self has decided I’m going to learn how to roller skate, on quads, outdoors. This will be a Covid safe, outdoor activity that will help keep me in shape. So far, I’ve been on them once & I did better than expected. I only fell 3x & I fell correctly, so I didn’t hurt myself. I’m watching skating tutorial videos, I have a friend who’s helping. This is gonna be a thing I master. My goal with skating is to buy myself a better pair of skates by my birthday (6 months away) but I’m only allowing myself to do that once the current ones are 100% scuffed, scraped, scratched & obviously well used. 

I’ve decided that Covid is never going away and I need to figure out how to move forward with my life & do it while Covid is going on. I’m triple vaxxed. I wear a mask everywhere, but I have not yet figured out what my life should look like under these guidelines. One thing is sure, I need to get out of the house more & skating is a great way to do that. :)