half a love letter, unsent

C,

To start, I’m probably so completely overthinking things, you’re probably just busy and I’m busy too and spending any time together would be irresponsible. But I feel like maybe it’s more than that, and we agreed to be honest with each other and it doesn’t come naturally to me so here is my attempt. 

I really, really like you. I just do. I like your voice. I like your face. I like how you think. I like how you sometimes exclaim “what!” and look so shocked when something surprises you. And I don’t like people easily, not without caveats. To be far too honest I’ve fallen completely in love with you and it shocks me that I’m capable of it. You make me feel like a person instead of some sort of robot. I know I’m not great at expressing it, but I love you. I hope you feel the same.

I hope whatever feelings you had for me didn’t change just because we had sex. You said you were worried that would happen, did it? Maybe I should have taken it more seriously. I was so sure of how I felt about you and how you felt about me that I didn’t think it would change anything, maybe I was wrong. I hope we can still talk about philosophy. I hope you still find me interesting. I hope that whatever we had isn’t ruined because we took things too fast or because of some stupid madonna-whore dichotomy. I hope I’m still the same person I was to you before.

If we weren’t what I thought we were, just tell me. You owe me honesty and nothing else. I wouldn’t be mad, you can’t change the way you feel. I would be sad, of course, but that's not your fault and I wouldn't consider this whole venture a loss. I loved knowing you. For a long time I felt like the only person in the world I could ever actually like being around had completely destroyed their mind with drugs and you reminded me that out of eight billion people there must be a few who can understand me. I’ll always remember you.

I’m sorry for dumping all of this on you in the middle of finals. It’s half love letter and half confession of insecurity, I’m not sure if I’ll even send it but I think I should. If I’m making it all up in my head and you’re just busy or tired or stressed, then sorry for bothering you and we should hang out after finals. If your feelings have changed, then talk to me about it, I know I’ll understand, whatever it is.

with love,

Alice