I just got broken up with for the first time

I feel like I don't have a lot of people I know in real life that I can actually open up to. Since I was in online school for a while it's always been easier to just talk about things to people online that I'm never going to talk to again or meet in real life.

Ever since I was really young, I would always make fun of other people for feeling depressed over getting broken up with. I'd think about why they couldn't just find someone else if there's over 8 billion people in the world. I'd call them dramatic or dumb for feeling that way over another person, because of that selfish mentality I always sucked at comforting people when they felt bad even once I started taking people's feelings into account as I got a bit older. 

I knew her for 545 days; I've always had little crushes on people every now and then and that's what I thought she was going to be when I first met her. I was sort of anti-social and really awkward around everyone, but she just didn't seem to care a whole lot. Everything was so perfect about her, the way she smiled, her humor, her hair, her gorgeous eyes, everything about her was just awesome. I knew she liked me for a while, even my friends would tell me all the time, but she was just so perfect I couldn't imagine actually being able to be enough for someone like her. Lots of time passed, and eventually we fell off after she found a boyfriend (I didn't handle it well at all), and once she left her boyfriend things started to feel the same between us again, and I knew I wasn't going to let her go this time so I decided after about 1 year and 3 months of knowing her I was going to finally go out with her.

Everything was perfect, the first night I snuck out to see her was the best night of my life. Thinking about that night used to always make me feel better when things got rocky between us, and now even imagining it makes me want to bawl my eyes out. For about 3 months I got to enjoy being hers and her being mine. I wasn't the type of person to think about having kids, or having a family and a house and a wife to come home to, I always thought I wanted to just be by myself and do whatever I wanted with no one to tell me what to do, that I would live my life being single and talking to as many woman as I wanted, but she changed all of that. She talked about getting married and having 2 kids and moving and vacations and I knew these were things I used to cringe at when other people talked about it with their significant others, but now I was the one being told these things and they all felt so real and achievable. 

She met my parents, I showed her the song I wrote for her when she left for the first time, I showed her all the things I had written expressing my regret for not going out with her when I had the chance months ago, things I never thought I would ever show even my closest of friends. She knew things about me that no one else ever knew. She was the only person in my life that I felt I could truly be open about to all my feelings and all my thoughts without feeling judged or scared. 

After about midway through the 3rd month things started to get shaky, but every time I saw her all the feelings I felt for multiple nights would just go away and suddenly, I was back with the girl I've liked since sophomore year. After I got a summer job I wasn't able to see her as much, which put a lot of tension on our relationship, but she told me she was willing to work through it with me and try to make it work. After a while I started coming to the conclusion that she was going to break up with me, and I have to prepare myself emotionally to distance myself as soon as it happens.

She hung out with me after telling me she didn't think things were going to work out again, and I was convinced this was the last time that I was going to see her and be able to hug and kiss her. That day was fine, there was a problem over some miscommunication we had but besides that everything ended fine, I got to hug and kiss her and feel her presence in my room one more time and I thought that would be enough for me. 

We discussed things further and she told me she didn't want to break up she still wanted to be able to fix things and figure everything out. I explained to her that I was so convinced that that day was going to be the last time I saw her again. I was so relieved when I found out it wasn't going to be the last time I saw her, and things weren't going to be over they were just going to be a process that we are both going to be willing to work on. We scheduled a hangout on Saturday when I didn't have work at her house for a while. That whole week was just so ass but that Saturday was the only thing keeping me going that whole time.

On Thursday I missed her so much I stayed up late texting knowing I had work early in the morning because I just missed her so much. Everything was fine we talked I got tired at about 1am but things seemed to have been normal and fine. The next day she texted me something that made my heart drop so bad. It was the breakup text that had been coming for a while, the day before I would be able to see her again. I tried to keep my cool during the whole conversation and try my best to act like I understood but I didn't. I felt angry, sad, and confused all at once, and everything just felt like a bad dream I would wake up from and be able to text her when I woke up from it, but it wasn't, everything that I feared would happen was happening.

That night was the longest night that I had ever had, absolutely nothing compared to the way I felt, nothing even came close. I would try to distract myself and watch YouTube just to start breaking down again and crying into my pillow imagining it was her. Everything would just play back in my head, the last time I saw her when she noticed I had been crying a lot and the way she hugged me and kissed me that day. I kept replaying the first night I had snuck out to see her and the first time she kissed me. I thought about the way she spoke and the way she could just make all my problems just go away and I wished she was there to make everything I felt just go away. She wasn't going to, and she never will again.

Everything got to me, and I texted her late at night asking her what changed and what happened and whether I had done something wrong. She explained everything, and at the time it was enough to calm me down and help me sleep that night without having to throw up or cry my eyes out anymore. 

All that was last night, and I woke up feeling just as bad. I cried, I got mad, I tore up my room and ended up hurting myself like a dumbass in the process of doing so, but I calmed down and realized that this is something that everyone has to go through eventually, even if having someone break my heart wasn't the plan it's what happened, and I have to learn to get over it. I have to learn that people are going to come and stay for a while and then they're going to leave and maybe they'll come back and you're going to think they're going to stay for real this time, and then they leave again.

I miss her a lot, and I know I'm going to keep missing her for a while. I wish there was just some way I could just feel better and just forget all of this and forget her and everything we went through and everything that I felt for her and that everything would just go back to the way I felt when I was over her last time. I googled and searched on the internet how I can get over it and it's all the same thing, "just give it time" or "go no contact" but I just want something that can fix everything now. I just feel so helpless and upset and the more I think about it the worse everything feels. I can't even get myself to delete all the photos we have together or to delete our messages because I want to believe that she's going to come back to me some day, but I know I need to just get that thought out of my head and stop believing that because it's just going to make me feel worse when she finds someone else.