Personal Blog #4 (6/20/25)

(I’m giving up on the headers for right now, and spending my alone time typing this, while also listening to someone giving King of The Hill episode commentary/recaps.) 

I didn’t wake up as anxious today, but still anxious enough. I decided to just focus on getting up and getting in the shower. After that, I put on my work clothes and just chilled for a bit before heading out to work. Then, my Nana drove me again (not a whole lot of talking besides us talking shit about another family member, specifically my big cousin. I’ll talk about her in a whole n’other blog). As we pulled up to the parking lot, the fresh truck was already there. Normally it wouldn’t be there until 12 or 1:00, but it was almost 11. Good thing it was early enough, we got a lot done today. And luckily I wasn’t on the register the entire time. There was somebody else there so I managed to get quite a few totes done. We still have more to go. And I was able to get my coffee right away. 

I did stay there quite long so I got sore as shit by the time 3:00 came around but I was still there working until 5:30. Right after work, I decided to go ahead and get my groceries which took me quite a long time, but yeah. And when I got home, I went on Vrchat and helped an instance for a bit (it died too quickly). I then visited some friends, and I searched for some Toga avatars. People have been making some cool ones lately, I’m surprised actually. 

I also doordashed something. I got food from a chicken place (called Slim Chicken’s, it’s really fucking good). I got their 3 & 3 meal (three fried tenders, 3 wings) combo with fries and a drink. As well as some fried pickles to try. And of course, a shit ton of ranch. 

The amount of Ranch in question XD

We did some goofing around and then I got off and started listening to music. I got a little afraid I was gonna start panicking again but luckily I didn’t today. I still feel a bit anxious about things and will be for a long while. However, I gotta do my best to be better and make sure my efforts are being seen. As much as I value taking things slower and using baby steps, I also need to show that I have made active effort into my life and boundaries around people.

I am reading and thinking about more and more of what some of my friends send me everyday. I think when it comes to relationships, my brain gets so weirded-out when it comes to thinking about a future with somebody (especially if I don’t know them as much, it’s different if I’ve known the person for a long time.) Do I still think about it? Yes, but when they mention it themselves and they feel confident about how good things are so much, it makes me anxious. It makes me over analyze it and it gets me scared that there’s gonna be problems. It leaves me to distance myself and try and process how things can be quick in my head, and it ends up sabotaging my relationships and hurting people as a result. I genuinely hate that I became this way and I tried so hard to not be that. 

I know, I try my best to not be a shitty person but it feels like I am because I sometimes don’t make any sense to other people, I often hide how I feel around others and get scared when they talk about things they wanna do with me (as far as living situations). It tears me apart I can’t think normally and result to a lot of daydreaming to try and calm myself down or to give me hope. 

I can even focus on what I want or who I want to be when doing all of this, it’s not fair to my brain, and it’s not fair to the other people around me at all. 

Will I ever break the cycle? I’m not exactly sure, all I know is that it will take a very very long time and patient enough people but I will. At some point.