my biggest fears

I'm honestly afraid of a lot of things, like spiders or heights. But there's one fear that only recently appeared and I can say that it overshadows my other fears.

And it's connected to my mother.

The essence of my fear is that I have a variety of oddities that my mother would most likely not approve of, like my overly strong passion for military clothing, fetishes/kinks, or non-heterosexual orientation.

Knowing myself and my mother very well, if she finds out about all this, she'll simply be disappointed in me.

+ Added to all this is my fear of screaming.

My mother is pretty good, but she can easily flare up and yell at someone if someone does something differently than she originally intended. And since it often happened that either my mother or my grandmother would yell at me when I did something wrong, I developed a fear of doing something wrong.

every time I can make a mistake and do everything differently than they wanted or planned - I instantly start to expect that they can yell at me loudly for the mistake I made.

and I also perceive all these oddities of mine as possible mistakes, which they can appear as in the eyes of their parents.

I... I'm just afraid of being a disappointment and one big mistake, which causes more problems than benefits, for my parents.

I... I'm just afraid that I'm completely useless and unnecessary to them, despite all the care they've ever given me.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

why do I even think about this?