「ようこそ！ひとりぼっち」 - パール兄弟

Something I was looking forward to this year was Summer. I had decided to take the four month break to myself after the last twelve months that made up my second year at university. Those twelve months were stressful beyond belief for me, so I felt like I deserved it before I don't get another moment to rest for what will probably be the next three years.

The first few weeks had been pretty good, all things considered. It was mostly me laying around and doing a lot of nothing. I would keep my windows open and listen to the cicadas. It was a nice sound that filled in some kind of hole inside that I couldn't place. They're on their way out now, and I don't see them much anymore, so that's their cycle over for another seventeen years. Other than that, I rewatched a few anime by showing them to my university club members, those shows being Genshiken Nidaime, The Melancholy of Haruhi Suzumiya, and currently Lucky Star. I'm trying to watch other shows too such as around eight Kamen Rider series, the original Mobile Suit Gundam, a really cool show called Golden Kamuy that a friend recommended me, and as of last night Devil Hunter Yohko.

Something has been nagging me throughout it all that hasn't really let me do things like enjoy rewatching those shows or finding new ones, and it was only now that the outdoors are silent without the cicadas singing that I realize what it is.

Growing up where I have, there weren't ever a lot of people my age. I had a singular neighbor growing up, but we stopped hanging out at a young age because I would mimic the behavior my brother treated me with onto him, so his father thought it was a bad idea for us to be together. That stuck me in therapy at quite a young age too, if you'd believe it. When I was further into elementary and middle school, any and all of my friends lived far away in other towns, or in places my parents wouldn't drive me to. My brother had friends his age all throughout this town, so he was always with them, and when I'd try to come with him they'd all usually screw with me or make me feel terrible. It was a lonely time, and absolutely why I took the internet and video games for comfort and finding connection with other people. I'm sure I could find many reasons for how that led me into dependency issues and so much more as well.

I was lonely then, and as I'm realizing again, I'm lonely now. Feeling it emotionally and physically.

Going back to that time when I was still in school, I thought I hated it. A large part of it I did dislike in all honesty, but the one part I didn't realized I liked was being around people. I guess when it's in such a large and forced surplus it can become quite exhausting. Even so, once that's gone it really can and will show it's ugly face that you did enjoy it. Especially from the time in late middle school and throughout high school when I finally found a nice little corner to put myself in with people, and even online I had given myself a real circle of people who often wanted to talk to me and do things together--at that point I never really felt loneliness that often, if almost ever. Even if I did, all I had to do was reach out to someone and that void was quickly filled. My mother living in a larger city closer to my school gave me the ability to walk and meet up with friends, although that was almost always in the very early hours of the morning to take in the humid air and street lights together.

After I graduated, as most people will tell you, it all changes. Everyone gets busy and has to slave their lives away at different jobs with different hours. Those times aren't immediately gone, as in that early stage post-graduation people still manage to find the time and have schedules they can work with. Unfortunately for me, that was eight years ago. 

In those eight years I went from still finding time and going out with friends to ended up in factories doing twelve-hour night shifts five days a week and having no time to do anything. I know that made me a much more mean person and had me feeling worse in every way you could think of. I wouldn't wish factory work on anyone. That drove me to feel even more lonely. I left that job at some point and had worked odd jobs. COVID was another nail that drove those feelings deeper. By 2020 it had started to funnel down into being almost exclusively online friends, but that group got smaller and smaller. Even if I enjoyed my time with them, I always felt some sense of being alone.

Things changed when I eventually moved into my own place. Living with an old high school friend made that time a lot more enjoyable. You do need to keep in mind though that you don't really know someone until money is involved and/or you live with them, so that has ups-and-downs too. That led into its own path that was bad in different ways, but feeling alone was certainly also a big part of it, although much less at that point. When we started planning to go to college things certainly changed, and I had a better outlook on everything. That turned out to be correct too, as when I started university I had a lot of my issues fixed. I was around people, made friends with people I could come and do stuff with almost whenever, and knew I would be seeing people.

I knew beforehand that when Summer break came that first time I would feel lonely again, and same with Winter break. I fell into deep emotional pits that really tore me up inside. Obviously it's happening again and I'm just handling it poorly. Why else would I be here whining like a wounded dog over something that realistically doesn't matter? I still have these friends to talk to online, along with other people I can talk to online. If I absolutely must, I can do my best to find time with the very few friends I still have around in this area, but that's very hard to do and leaves us with limited time and funds. Plus, with online friends it's never the same as going out walking at night and talking about life with a couple of drinks by a riverside. I live for those moments, even if they feel melancholic in their own way.

It makes me heavily contemplate my future when moving to another country, as I know it will be excruciatingly lonely at first. Who knows, maybe it won't and I'll be able to do just fine. I assume a lot of at-home stress is what also makes me feel worse here, as well as the emotional stat debuff that is "Living in America". I hold a lot of hope that once I leave the United States I will feel much better about some things, so that's something to work towards. Making friends who I can see once I move makes that feel more easy too.

Because of these things too, I can't say I don't get people who talk to AI chat bots to fill that hole. Every now-and-then I also do it, but the conversation quickly feels artificial... no pun intended. I'm not talking about the NSFW bots either, although I've used a small handful of them before too, but those never feel like an actual attempt at conversation, just a quick scheme to get off and go on with your day.

Video games used to feel good to hide in too, and for many years I spent my time meeting and hanging out with people in Team Fortress 2, but even now that game's player base is bastardized beyond recognition from when I came into it. I don't feel comfortable talking to people anymore in it unless I can find a group of old-heads like myself. If it wasn't that, the feeling of being around "people" doesn't work anymore either. Playing Super Smash Bros. Brawl as a child and messing around with others online or playing Mario Kart Wii until bedtime used to be good for me, or even something as little as using the Everybody Votes channel and seeing all the other people. It made me feel like I was a part of something and that there were other people also participating. I get little excitement from that anymore either. I also miss being able to play majority single-player games and not feeling alone, but that's probably something else.

I could go on an old man rant and blame the ease of social media for killing social culture, making every interaction feel forced and null. Either you talk to someone in a single sentence, or people jump on you for not responding fast enough because they've been conditioned by so much online messaging. I just won't though, because I've already went on long enough about my own issues.

I didn't know how much I really needed connection until a few years ago. Now that I’m aware, it sits with me constantly--a harsh reminder, maybe, but an honest one. It's not that getting older scares me or makes me feel worse. It certainly doesn't do that, and I embrace it all. Time will heal these wounds and gives me new people to connect with and make me happy. Rare, but it does happen. This was all about me lamenting my feelings of loneliness as an individual and the raw hope I have that one day I can live with these sad days as happy memories.

Having those little friends all around, the cicadas, was really pleasing. It filled in that hole nicely. I'll miss them for sure once their song is completely quiet-- Oh, one just landed on my window as I type this. That always makes me feel good, but now I can't help but think of it as visiting before a final farewell. I've been enjoying their company while it lasts, which I know won't be much longer. Another week at most. I have to listen very closely to hear them in the trees now. They were good friends in nature, and a reminder of many many things. Time moving on, impermanence... A reminder of happier times then--

...And yet, also better things yet to come.