3/2/21

 

have you ever been so into your life that you just get carried away by it? that you literally feel like you have no time for anything else other than what's already expected of you? lately, it feels like i've been expected to do everything for everyone while also do... nothing? if that makes any sense to you? i'm nineteen years old, and in five months, i'll be twenty. i haven't had a job in almost a year and i still live with my mom. i haven't started college and i have no idea what i want to do with my life but i sit back and look at my friend's lives and they're all working, ones in college and one already did a year. she's taking a break. i'm honestly just here, fading away into the shadows. i don't want to keep being a disappointment but at the same time, its like what else am i supposed to do? all the places that i've applied at has rejected me. i just feel lost.

i had a job interview about four days ago, i thought it went well but i haven't got a call back. i had another one today and i think it went pretty good too. she said she'd call me back before noon... and well, its 1:12pm. i just think that i don't click very well with people, and i don't know why. i try my best though. i prepare for interviews days before i have them, i try to learn all i can about the company, and i put so much effort into rejections.

today my car broke down. i just paid almost $1k to get it fixed already, and now its already broken down.

i seem like such a downer, don't i? but its really hard not to be one honestly. my life is such shit. my dad committed suicide 7 months ago... tomorrow, after that, i shut all my friends out and now, i feel like i'm so far off from them that i'm not even sure if i'll be able to go back. i needed and still need therapy. it did bring my sister and i closer, along with my mom. i have a lot more appreciation for my mom more than before. i sit back and watch everyone complain about their lives, as if im not right now right? lmao. anyways, and i'm just like... you could have it so much worse. 

i literally don't have a dad anymore. my friends are here but they're still distant, whether they believe it or not. i don't have a job because people continuously reject me, and my car is a complete piece of shit that breaks down every time i get it fixed.

shit.. I COULD have it worse.

i don't know, i try to find things to be happy about in my life like the fact that i have internet friends that i talk to every day and that seem to truly get me, or the fact that me and my mom have become closer because of everything, or the fact that my aunts have started talking to me and my sister more. i think of my brothers, my siblings in general. i think of everyone who was there for me and who continues to be there for me. my dog and cat, josie and casper. they're my babies and my "yellow." i think of how my sister finally got engaged, and i can't wait for that day but it also makes me sad for the fact my dad won't be there.

there's constant ups and downs. constant.

lets talk about zodiac signs. 

i'm a cancer. i'm sure you're like, "wow that explains it." lol but no, i'm a july cancer and i'm rarely emotional. i'm typing this out as an outlet but i rarely show my emotions irl. 

my moms also a july cancer. her birthday is two days before mine actually. crazy.

mines july 12th, my sisters is august 12th. literally couldn't have planned that better. 

my siblings zodiacs are leo, capricorn, and sagittarius. (as i stated, im a cancer.) 

my brothers have a different dad than me and my sister do though, 

my dad was a taurus, and their dad is a virgo. (my moms a cancer, as i also stated.)

its crazy because my mom actually picked people she was compatible with without realizing it, she's southern baptist, (basically christian) so she doesn't believe in astrology.

i think its funny when people stereotype signs, it really entertains me. especially cancers, like we're genuinely one of the MOST hated signs and that's facts. anyways, here's my full chart.

Sun; Cancer

Moon; Aries

Rising; Libra

Mars; Sagittarius

Pluto; Sagittarius

Neptune; Aquarius 

Uranus; Aquarius

Venus; Gemini

Saturn; Gemini

Mercury; Gemini

Jupiter;  Gemini

okay, there's that so if you're reading this, you can judge me off of it!:)

alright, tootles