closed the door but i still have the window open

i realised i have this really terrible habit of never fully closing door. i am not a doormat but there's some sick enjoyment i get from letting them see me growing, glowing, as if it'll make them regret hurting me and treating me bad. it's stupid of me to think having them beg for my forgiveness and live a long life of guilt because they lost me, not that it'll make me feel better at the end if the day because i still get shaky and a boiling hole in my stomach twisting and turning when i see a text from them, i'm not as strong as i say i am and i know i will take them back if they play me right with their words. they shouldn't have access to me anymore, i need to move on, but changing, living, experiencing new major events that they aren't witnessing makes me want to reach out and show them, "hey look, i'm not the same person i was before, hey look, we talked about this before and i finally did it, hey look, i came across your favourite whatever!" i hate myself for the way i still want them around.