Old Love

Listen 2: No One Noticed (Extended Spanish) ༊·˚

It's almost been a year since I last spoke to someone I really loved and cherished. You'd think after so long i'd stop seeing her in everything I come across. I can't listen to music now without thinking if she'd also listened to it. Had she liked it? Or maybe she hated it? Maybe her taste in music has changed since then. How much has she changed since we last spoke? I probably don't have the right to wonder about that. After all, it's my fault we stopped speaking. 

I still think about that day, the day before my birthday. I hadn't spoken to her in so long. So much was happening in my life at that very moment, it was so overwhelming. I hadn't been feeling well, and honestly, I felt like I was being suffocated. All she wanted from me was that I open up, that I don't keep my feelings to myself. Isolation has always felt so welcoming. I feel it's draining to embrace every time things feel a little too hard. If I'm on my own, I can't disappoint anyone. But I disappointed her. I neglected her. I stopped putting in effort in hopes of driving her away; maybe she would realize I was too much to deal with. She would get tired of the same old dance and leave me, like I always felt she would. Yet, she never did. She stuck by me. It scared me. It scared me so much that I found myself needing to reject it. I couldn't handle the embarrassment of being seen, of being loved despite it all. 

I regret it all. I regret my actions, or lack thereof. I wish I  had told her how much she meant to me. How I cherished her calls. I always felt she was too good for me. Like I didn't deserve to be loved by someone like her. Her love was terrifying to witness. Her openness felt unnerving. How could she do it? I still wonder, but I try to heal those parts of myself. I tried to fix those wounds, whatever it was that poisoned my heart so deeply that the thought of being loved unconditionally by someone made me shiver in fear. I pushed her away, but she kept pushing back. It wasn't until I told her we had to end that vicious cycle that she finally gave up. And I'm glad she did, but sometimes I'm not.

We were not good for each other. From the start, I knew that. I'm sure she did too. You'd think after the first sign of it, we both would've run far away from each other. I'm not sure what kept us together. I know it wasn't me. I tried pulling away so much due to my insecurities. I wish I could tell her how sorry I am. She should know how beautiful she is. How her soul is warm, and her love is sweet. Even when we argued, if you could even call it that, she was so warm. I wish I got her. I never was able to figure her out. She felt hot and cold at times. Her words stung worse than anything. I wish I had spoken up then. I wish I'd told her how much the bad times affected me. I wish I had also opened up about what I wish had been different between us. 

The good times were so good. They were like that sweet summer warmth. It consumed the memory of the harsh coldness of the bad times. I wish I could call her sometimes. When I see something funny, I want to share it with her. I won't reopen those old wounds, though. I'm sure she's done her healing. Funny, I also thought I did mine. I felt nothing for a few months, or rather, I didn't let myself feel it. It was better that way. But now, a year later, it's all coming back. She's back. It's like she never left. She never left. I think of her with everything I do. Would she like my new top? Maybe she finally got that cute trinket she always wanted, but it was always sold out. Is her hair still the same? Does she also think of me? No, don't think of that. It will only make things worse. 

I smile when I think of her. My stomach is in knots when I think of how much I miss her. I wonder if she feels the same. Did she feel the same? She'd hate me for this, but I never thought of us as just friends. We were more than that. What I felt was love. A love she called sinful. A love she refused to acknowledge between us. 

Friends... just friends. Friends, when she poured out her soul to me. Friends, when the thought of her consumed me. I welcomed her every thought into my brain. Her heart felt as though it had fused with mine. It stings so bad to know that love is broken. When I asked her what she felt, she finally admitted to it. She denied still feeling like that, though. I never believed her. How could two friends act the way we did? She told me herself, she wasn't like that with anyone else. She'd bring me up to everyone. I did too. But that wasn't as good as you'd hoped it'd be. 

For years, I felt torn and confused about us. What we were, though I never asked, up until the very end. Nearly four years of it, I couldn't help the hurt that had built up in my heart. Again, I wish I had said something. But I know nothing would have changed. The times I spoke up, she shut me down. Still, I wonder if I should have been more pushy. She was. She was pushy, but I was happy to be pushed.

 Her presence was so beautiful. It felt like a blessing. A blessing that burned me if I let myself get too attached to it. So I retreated, but that also didn't feel like the right move. Nothing I did ever felt right. She always let me know. I changed so much, and I know she did too. But it wasn't enough. We would've had to become different people, have different needs, and have different wants. We weren't right. But I wish we could've been. I wish so much. I hoped for so much. I never told her. I never let myself feel those things. 

Ten years of her... one year without. I miss her. I miss the good. I miss the bad. I looked through her profile today, something I hadn't done since the last day we spoke. I never have the urge to look at people's profiles. But today I felt like seeing her. Maybe I'd feel a little less sad about it all. She hasn't posted in so long. Almost as long as we haven't been friends. I don't feel any better after all. If anything, all the guilt, anxiety, regrets, love, nostalgia, and memories are all rushing back stronger than before. I wish we could talk again. Would she even want to?

 I won't do anything about this feeling. It will pass. It must pass. Maybe one more year. Maybe once the memories are far enough, I can finally put this feeling to rest. 

I have never met someone like her. I have not felt like that with anyone else. It was a connection from the heavens. It felt holy. It felt sacred. She felt sacred. How could I commit such blasphemy against everything we had? My biggest sin was leaving. Hers was loving a renowned sinner.

 At night, I remember our calls, her laugh. Her voice was the last thing I heard before sleep. Sometimes we would fall asleep on the phone together. I loved her smile. Her eyes shone so pretty. Her face was sweet, too sweet. I hated being the reason that sweet would turn bitter. I wished to always see that sweetness in her. 

I wish I could see it one more time. I wish I could do so much more than i did. Now all I can do is hope that she's happy. To hope all her days are happy. I hope she's healed from everything I unintentionally put her through. 

I hope the memory of us isn't bitter on her tongue. I want her dreams to come true. I hope she can live out her days surrounded by love. The love she deserves. I hope she finds people who cherish her. I hope that our paths will cross again. Maybe not now, but when we are older and hopefully wiser. 

I hope that if that day ever comes, we can look back with tenderness at what we had. I miss her... I miss you. Please be happy, wherever you are. ♡