sigh

I feel stuck. There's times I enjoy life, when I'm ignoring everything and focusing on my friends and family.. however, when I'm alone at night, my mind simply wanders away from me. I break down, I question, I wonder if I'm insane, if everyone else around me are insane.. I push myself down and everything I've accomplished, questioning what I'm doing with my life.., whether I deserve any of the good things,,

And nothing's.. happening, it's all in my mind, I don't understand why I feel.. so empty and alone.

I try to go out more, I give myself more social breaks, in return trying to be brighter at every hangout. I burrow into new interests or old interests to busy myself.. 

Then.. I.. suffocate. It builds up and I journal how I feel down. I have no other cope truly. I'd reach out to a friend but at the rate I have these thoughts I'd drown them. It's every fucking night. I feel like this for hours and hours every night in bed, staring at my phone, staring at the ceiling, reflecting and wondering why. 

I'm scared. I'm real fucking scared. I fear, when I move out, completely to myself, that, if I don't find anyone.. I'm fucked. I might go insane being by myself feeling no sense of worth, nothing, at all, for anything unless I'm the slightest bit of helpful to someone. And that the longer it takes, the less.. meaning I'll find in life.

I only feel alive when I'm there for someone. This is torture. Sure people care, I've done nice things but this knot in my chest.. tells me I can't keep this up for much longer. Something needs to change. I've tried therapy, I've tried being in a relationship, I'm being with friends the most I can, but it all boils down to the few moments I'm alone. I might try sleeping whenever I'm not with anyone, turning my brain off. I'm worried about the effect of sleep pills though. And I've gone in sleep comas before. Comas where I slept all day, barely eating, in a dark room for myself, for 3 consecutive months. I felt like I was wasting my life away. 

I might have to delude myself into thinking everything's fine, that I just gotta enjoy the present time, 

I'll never believe myself though. I'll always feel like I'm doing something wrong for not understanding what's going on around me, not having a factual statement I can lean on for every little thing in life to comfort me and base decisions of.