When the Silence Gets too Loud

some days i feel like i’m just tired of everything. not in a dramatic way, just… tired. i think a lot. probably too much. when it’s quiet, when i’m not watching something or playing something, my mind just keeps going. i overthink literally everything and it gets exhausting.

i deal with fibromyalgia and migraines, so pain is just… always there. some days are better than others but it’s hard feeling like your body is against you. like you wanna do things, be normal, be helpful, but you can’t. and people don’t always get it. even when they try to.

i can’t work, and that’s a weird thing to carry. i know it’s not my fault, but it still feels heavy. like i’m falling behind or like i’m too much sometimes. and when i think about the future, like moving in with someone or building a life, it’s scary. cause i know i need someone who can handle more when i can’t. and saying that out loud makes me feel guilty even when i know it’s just the truth.

my relationship is long distance, and that’s hard in its own way. i love him so much, and it kills me when he’s going through stuff and i can’t just hug him or help in the way i want to. i’d do anything to take the pain off him. i try to say the right words but sometimes it never feels like enough. i just wanna be there. really be there.

i’m also the type of person who holds in what i’m feeling for way too long. when i finally say “i need you” it’s cause i’ve already needed you for a while. i’ve just been trying to deal with it on my own until i can’t anymore. it’s not me being clingy, it’s just me breaking a little.

i don’t have this all figured out. i’m still trying to just be okay. still learning how to love someone while i’m trying to heal myself. still dealing with the bad days and hoping for better ones.

but i guess what keeps me going is knowing i’ve made it through this far. and maybe that’s enough for now...