WHO AM I?

2021:  What am I doing here ?? I'm here to live out my 2010 main character persona. 

Who am I ?? I'm Lysh, just a John Mayer obsessed, movie/music buff and a broke college kid getting her major in film. I'm 20 and living in the PNW. with an unrealistic dream of being a 'Freebird' who lives in a beautiful lay of land where I can grow and sustain an eco-friendly way of life. 

In reality, I'm just a lost 20 y/o trying to graduate college a year from now, looking to meet other like-minded hippies who I can consider a friend.

Shoot me a message friends :)

11/14/2024 UPDATE:

4 years later here I am, back on SpaceHey with a new life update on WHO AM I??

I've always been told I was a hippie growing up so I really claimed that term for a big chunk of my youth but now that my frontal lobe is cooking I noticed some things about myself. I feel like I was constantly yearning for a damn label to slap on any and every trait about myself. I was yearning for a place to call mine, to find MY people but that definitely was NOT on my life journey bingo card...

Growing up I was the queen of masking!

I was a high-masking, raging people pleaser with ADHD who always desired the growth and success of others so that everyone thrives rather than just survive. I was so stressed that I was in trouble or would get into trouble, for no reason, just existing(which come to find is a lot more common than most people realize esp for my ND homies who were taught to feel shame for regulating bc adults thought we were being disruptive). I feel as if I was too conscious of my surroundings especially the emotional and social awareness too young. It would make sense how very young this would contribute to my love and hyperfixation of psychology, watching people's body language, and listening to the tone of how they're saying things. Basically, like a lil nugget just building statistics/research and like different perspectives on the social, emotional, spiritual, and physical world around me. Setting boundaries was my biggest struggle pre-frontal lobe so that ended up being the lesson I had to learn the most even if I've always been pretty dang open when it comes to listening to my intuition, looking at the bigger picture "of it all," even accepting my suffering in a way for the greater good of the plot of my life (if that makes sense) 

To a point where I didn't know how to stick up for myself so, I'd take shit from these little headasses who labeled me the perfect target. I ultimately let them walk all over me because poor baby was too fearful of being on other's bad side but also not having the awareness that these girls were horrible friends. After all, it'd take a while for me to process the bullying. blah, blah, get to 7th grade the bullying gets bad enough that I end up leaving my school to go to a public school for 8th grade. Catholic school is the worst for young girls who want to grow in faith or perfect because of how much spiritual surrender it required for me to keep my sanity??!!

 I came to find, through these childhood/adolescent experiences that I'm probably going to disappoint a lot of people, and not meet their expectations, but that's ok because at the end of the day if I'm proud of who I've become, and I feel my creator would be stoked I'm who I feel he desires me to be then that's doing pretty good! I had to focus on letting those suppressed emotions: the shame, anger, and lack of self-love I've suppressed my entire youth, and release them healthily. I had to die to myself in a way, rebirth by letting the trauma personality I've developed slowly fizzle out as the new butterfly traits came to light, by being aware of my negative self-talk/cognitive dysfunctions. I had to correct myself when I'd experience those self-hatred thoughts and rewire it to thinking of myself as the present me(24) parenting a 4-year-old (but that 4-year-old is also me). I challenged myself to create a safe space for that terrified child within me so she could feel safe moving forward--healing.

With the path of discovering my truths, I'd feel people take their envy or frustration out on me in regards to me seeming like I've "had it easy" or me being where they wish they were emotionally when in reality I've experienced the discomfort of life the way anyone else has; I've learned from my euphoric, boring, and painful experiences. I'd feel these individual's weird energy towards me, maybe it was because I am OPEN to not being in control of what the universe is trying to show me. I can't hold that against them though because how can I sit here and assume it's even about me. It's typically their wounded inner child reacting towards something that hurt when they were little, and now that wack reaction they give you is stuck at the same childish reaction they had as kids. How other people feel or think about me is none of my business.

I'll say it again, how others perceive me is NONE of my business! Also, I feel like in a way my future is none of my business, I typically feel healthiest and most at peace overall, in the moment, when I'm open to what's in store to come and not setting such aggressive expectations for my future. Doing that I'd have an even higher chance of disappointment if it didn't go the way I was emotionally prepared for it to go. I tried to figure out what it was I needed to be into to find my type of people, to just find any platonic emotional connection where I could be me. With that lens as a youngin I denied my own interests and missed out on being the most authentic part of myself. I was so stressed about creating a safe space I couldn't be one for myself. So now at 24 I'm looking back to my niche little interests I hid from the world and started to rediscover some beautiful shades of myself blooming into the light.

 I've always gravitated towards the roaring 20s flapper era, the 60s/70s take on medieval costuming, the silhouette and palette of the 40s-50s, and a vast spectrum musically, not to mention my influence from my older brother and other alternative/punk/ska family members. I was always hella involved with so many things—borderline too many things. My hobbies are crocheting, sewing, writing(esp poetry and screenwriting), curating unique playlists for every occasion, zine making, jewelry making, and cute lil friendship bracelet macrame. 

Now giving myself the permission to say yes to doing the things I thrive in was a challenge in itself, but I can safely say I'm seeing the fruits of my labor. I downloaded a music mixing software after putting it off for years because the best advice I've ever received was-

"DO IT SCARED !!"

The last thing I want is 8 more years to go by and I still have a dream of trying something when trying is Free...IN THIS ECONOMY TRYING IS STILL FREEEEEE!!!! AGHHHHH that's wild, I need to hear that myself!

My desire for Peace isn't a location I've been trying to get the coordinates to but more of a boundary for my life. it's a process that's why it's called a journey. Shaming your failures breeds an unhealthy space for you to grow, because in the grand scheme of things it's never just a coincidence, it's a process of various decisions literally like the game LIFE. Peace comes with the recipe of Gratitude and acknowledging the discomfort of life NOT being a personal attack on your heart but a very human response to the overstimulating world around us. Setting the boundary of living in gratitude can be gross and uncomfortable sometimes but it's that temporary discomfort that is a straight short cut to genuine bliss. Yes we are human we want to stay upset but when we let that ego (that wants to hold onto being upset) and view it as a kid who just wants to be seen and heard we realize "Wait, I am okay, I am safe !!

and I'd say that sums me up.