vent ??

lately, i've been noticing that people don't actually care about me. not even my closest friends. it might have something to do with my own actions but seriously i have been trying to change and grow as a person. i think karma has hit me hard enough in february and march. enough is enough. i don't want to live through this overwhelming pain and lonliness anymore.

Also while we're on the topic of trauma, i would like to point out it's really not nice to make fun of other's experiences. even as a joke. it's really hurtful. stop it. 

I'm already struggling a lot with my mental health. i don't want people adding more fuel to the fire and making fun of my trauma. you have no idea how i felt.

Anyway, considering i literally have no one now, i just want to end my stupid pathetic life. But something else inside me wants to keep on living. even if it's torture. even if i can't take it anymore. I want to be so much more than what i am now; useless and pathetic.

sometimes i wonder why people don't like me. i know it has nothing to do with the way i look. i try to be as nice as possible to people around me. i try so hard to be liked only to end up miserable in the end. No matter how many people i'm surrounded by i'll never be able to fill the emptiness in my heart. 

I don't want to impress anyone. i just want to be seen. i want to be heard. but no matter how loud i am, my voice fall on deaf ears.