Failure

It's been a while, I really have been wanting to come on here and blog, but I haven't been feeling, well how do I explain... "much" as of late. So, I figured why not write down my silly frustrations down on here but also just take the time to reflect on myself about today or should I say yesterday since it is quite late.

I fear that I have noticed some habits that have implanted themselves into my routine without me knowing.

Today, I repeated a test I failed and failed again, I'll get right to the point. I came back home and tried to keep it cool 'there is no reason to freak out because it is not the end of the world' I thought to myself 'I can always repeat it' 'no one's perfect, no one's perfect, no one's perfect' it is okay. I am fine. I greeted my mom with kisses and smiled; she asked me how it went. "Fine" I lied, she asked what they said and if I passed "I failed" I told her blankly, clearly seeming like I do not want to talk about it at the moment but oh who am I kidding. My mother my dear mother. She proceeded to ask why, what happened, and I understood I know why because she is my mother she has to know but at the moment my patience was a piece of thinning thread and so with all control let loose, I screamed.

 A full-on panic attack or whatever that was that I did. It's embarrassing really if you know the full story it is nothing to get all worked up about but hey, guess what? I did so suck on it. Okay maybe I'm still mad about it but it'll ware off I believe.

Fast forward because I hate recalling moments where my emotions let loose. they're too much. After some word vomit, many suicidal threats and most probably some damage to my vocal cords, my mother finally held me. But only after begging her to hit me, punish me, do something to me before I do it to myself because I can't- I won't go to my room, I don't trust myself to be alone. Begging her to do something to me turned into begging her to hold me until she did.

We talked then laughed then I was okay, my body turned numb, and the trembling went away. I was left with regret, regret that I am the way I am and that I was supposed to be her rest, I am an adult, her first born for God's sake but I always just keep making things worse. I could've controlled myself, sealed my mouth and resist my hand. I know all those things I have said hurt her they always do I see it in her eyes, and it kills me- why can't I just get a fucking grip. The simplest things I make them into stories. But God, even when I know it is coming, I can't help it, I just have to let it out I can't I can't I can't I can't I can't.

I know that no one is perfect, and I am aware of my background, I have failed many times, things worse than this test but I always got up. My mother failed many, many times and she is still here, not even for herself but for me and my sister so why can't I just.

I am aware that this could be a trauma response of a sort but that still doesn't justify what I keep doing when my emotions bubble up. I know, I'm aware but I don't know how to fix myself. Or maybe do. Maybe I should just pray and cry but truly my emotions are too much and nothing if not violent at times like this.

No matter how old you are, there will always be lessons to learn no matter how simple or stupid or even if you already know. No one is perfect, I knew that but why can't I be? is what I thought just a couple of hours ago. No one is perfect, I know that now. 

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 Note: whoops this turned into a vent of a sort I know but whatever! I am alright now so don't. By the time anyone reads this. It would have already left my mind. I hope.

-Em (✿◠‿◠)