Book Blog: Crying in H Mart by Michelle Zauner

Playing: Everybody wants to love you by Japanese Breakfast (Live)

06/17/2025 (As of writing: page 83/239)

I began reading Crying at H Mart about a week ago, and I can confidently say that I will be cherishing every moment that I spend reading this book. Briefly, the story is written by Michelle Zauner (lead singer of Japanese Breakfast), chronicling her life and thoughts surrounding childhood following the death of her mother from squamous cell carcinoma. The narrative delves into her Korean identity and connection with Korean culture before and after the cancer diagnosis in dialogue that is heartbreaking and emotionally rendering. To recall and analyze her childhood, Michelle delves deep into memories and swims back to the surface with a fresh perspective and heart-wrenching dialogue.

I especially appreciate the authenticity that is presented in this memoir; one way that this is materialized is through the chronicling of events throughout life. Scenes jump from current day to age 5, age 24, age 25, and back to age 7. This narrative structure comes not from chronological order, but from an emotional recollection which highlights connections between memories. As I encounter scenes from her childhood, I know precisely why each memory was mentioned, as her analysis and recounting highlights the importance and lasting impact of each memory and how it shaped her rebellious, aimless, and broken teenage and adult life. Not to reach a point or end of any kind, I can't wait to finish this book.

06/18/2025 (As of writing: page 182/239)

One thing to say: Ouch.

Before I talk about the gut-wrenching and heartbreaking description of her mother's slow death, I want to visit a 'game' that Michelle played with her aunt, Eunmi, when she was 19. This is before Eunmi's death, also from cancer. I can't imagine losing two monumental figures to the same disease. Chapter 9 begins as follows: 

""You are going on a journey and you have five animals," Eunmi said.
"A lion,
"A horse,
"A cow,
"A monkey,
"And a lamb.""

Then, there are four stops along the journey in which you must lose an animal. You get to choose which animal, and in the end, there is only one animal left. Your choices in this game represent a list of priorities in your life. The lion represents pride and it eats at your other priorities. "The cow represents wealth, because you can milk it. The horse represents your career, because you can ride it through. The lamb is love, and the monkey is your baby," Eunmi told Michelle. Personally, I interpret the monkey in this game to represent humanity. Michelle's mother chose the monkey; so did Michelle. I played this game with my partner, and he chose the horse - his career. I chose the lamb - love.

The end of chapter 9 was Eunmi's last words: in a state of delirium, she says "Where are we going?"

And this, as I am learning, is the tragic and cruel reality of cancer. Once you lose autonomy of your body, so too goes your mind. And because the going is so slow, and the doctors keep insisting that the next treatment is going to work, and the prognosis is going to look good, the going goes much slower as treatments persist and the sufferer must suffer longer as the disease progresses unhindered. Loved ones must watch on.

Everything surrounding the circumstances of Michelle's mother's death is excruciatingly painful and tragic. She was bedridden for months before her death. She was unable to walk, unable to empty her bowels, unable to eat due to a herpes simplex rash that had overtaken her mouth and respiratory tract, unable to live without a respirator, and in extreme pain despite copious influxes of IV morphine, Vicodin, and hydrocodone. Her mental deterioration was clear; she had reverted to speaking in Korean despite speaking in English for years, her family now unable to understand her.

Her last words were "AH PEO! AH PEO!" Pain! Pain!

06/19/2025 (As of writing: complete)

This is it! I'm done!

I don't have as much to say about the ending. I guess that Michelle was trying to demonstrate the connection between cooking and identity, possible due to shared moments with what's left of her family. I can't recommend this book enough! Please give it a try.

ha