daily breakdowns

I go into phases throughout the year. Sometimes I'm fine, and then this time of year I'm a wreck. It also happens when I change jobs. When I get a new job, it starts off good. Then as time go by, and I've been doing it for awhile, I breakdown every morning. Then I want a new job. It's because I don't know what I want to do, and I let things bother me easily. I get bored with my jobs easily.

I hate not being to fully be myself. I hate doing more work than other people who are lazy. I hate not being paid enough. I hate not knowing what I want to do. I hate being awkward. I'm too old for this emotional, lost, angry, bullshit that I put myself through. 

When I go to work, I put on a smiley face. Everything is okay. I do my very best. I smile. I'm grateful. I put on a show like I'm okay. By myself, I'm emotional and sensitive. I get angry. When I'm around other people, I'm emotionally detached with a brick wall up. I don't let people in. They won't understand. Instead, I makes jokes. I make people laugh. I try to act like this great person who never sheds a tear. I'm not that person.

 Before I show myself to the world, I just cry.