i like this guy and i need to stop (2025-06-16)

there's this guy i'm friends with, and i really fucking like him. the things that attract me to him, they can't really be described word for word. it's not just looks, or personality; when i'm with him i feel held, seen, loved. he has this long brown hair that i love playing with, and i love stroking his beard (even when it's just stubble). we've kissed as a joke before, he's slept on my lap and held me in his arms.
ironically, it's getting to a point where i have to recognize that things i could take as signs are probably just that, things that could taken as signs but likely aren't meant that way. it's hard to think that after cuddling, laying on each other, holding hands, playing with our hair, opening up about our deepest insecurities and biggest worries, it can all just be him being nice.
then i listen to how that sounds and the femcel alarms start ringing, but i don't think it's worth it to shut-down or contradict how i feel. reflecting on how him and i have interacted over the past few months, it's hard to rationalize everything as him not being interested at all. however, in the present day it feels more and more like if he were he'd show it; having a conversation with him is like talking to a dad grocery shopping.
i still want him, desperately i do, but i guess i have to keep down what i feel; unless he comes to me and tells me something concrete. oh well.