sober arc: day 707

I definitely get this weird fomo about smoking when it's the late spring/summer. Which is odd because, this is around the time I started getting sick and in about 3 weeks marks 2 years sober.

I know I'll be seeing my family soon, and my dad and sister smoke a LOT. Especially my dad. My sister is so supportive and respective about me not (being able) to get high which I appreciate more than I can express. Every time it's brought up, or really I know she's going outside to do that - I thank her and tell her I love her. She says she loves me too and almost acts like she doesn't know what I'm talking about - which doesn't bother me. It just adds to the 'out of sight, out of mind'.

My dad on the other hand- he will light a joint while I'm next to him talking, having a cigarette and offers it to me. I have definitely almost taken him up on it, but I look at him, kind of smile trying to mask slight annoyance and say "I can't, remember?". My dad took me to the hospital once for it, too. I'm not a parent, but I don't know how you can forget something like that.

But, he says things like:

"oh yeah, you still have that?"

"what about edibles?"

"is it like an allergy? you can't do it at all?"

I know he doesn't remember, I don't know if it's some memory loss (definitely related to 40+ years of smoking weed) or what, but like I said, I don't know how you can forget something like that. I've explained to him in length multiple times what CHS actually is, but it never sticks - even when I explain it in the simplest terms I can.

I've gained some weight again - sometimes I think "if I smoke once, I'll get sick then I won't be able to eat or drink for probably 1-2 weeks, would that be worth it? I'd definitely lose a nice chunk of weight"

No, I don't think it's worth it. I remember the yell crying, then pain, the frustration, the psychosis which, I don't think I'd suffer from this time around. At least not as badly. But ultimately it's not worth it.

I pass by people in Walmart and places, and I can smell the stink of weed on them. I always think "oh my god, did I really reek like that when I went out after smoking?" if this is you - I don't mean that in an offensive way - it just shocks me what I realize and think about after not doing it anymore. I remember always panicking before going in a store, not wanting to smell. At least not that strongly. 

As I type this, I smell weed wafting in from our neighbor's. It doesn't bother me too much, it's weirdly nostalgic.

I don't know when the next entry will be, I wish I wrote more sometimes, but in this department things are going well. In other departments of life there is immense stress but that's what happens.

I just hope it doesn't get worse before it gets better because it's already pretty shitty. If it does, then hopefully the payout is better than what I can imagine.

Anyways, I was putting songs at the end of these and I loved that. Here's one that's quickly become a core memory and will forever remind me of now.