another poem adjacent thing?

TW: MENTION OF VOMIT

i guess i feel bombarded in a way. you're so full of love that you obviously need to let out. I just hate it; the way you let everybody know im the target. i dont want to tell you good morning because i soon as i saw your text i wasn't having one. i cant be the one you let your love out on because i have none to give back to you. so you're kind of just screaming into a room with no echo and claiming the silence you get back is fulfilling enough for you. and i guess maybe it is, because the love's been trapped inside you for so long that it's enough for you just to get it out. but with it bouncing off the walls and you having to hear your own voice in a room for so long dont you get a little tired? i was tired when you posted that confession about me, really (despite how sweet it might've been). i like to think the problem is you but it's probably me, actually. i dedicated so much love for life and my friends and my interests that i have none left to give you. i used to think i was so full of love. and i guess i am. because when im with them it never seems to stop even when i want it to. when im backstage it comes out of me like throw up. when im crocheting it lies within the folds of the yarn and all its stitches. but when im with you.. nothing. nothing until you say something off or different than what i expect and then all i feel is dread. but no love. i dont understand why that is because i used to think my love would reach everybody but i guess the extent of my love ends at you (not with you). i also dont understand why you love me so much. i can't tell myself you dont know me, because everybody does to an extent. only two people know me, but everybody else knows me enough to have the capacity to love me. everybody loves me. so it isn't an outlandish thing for you to have fallen in love with the me that i show everyone else. i do happen to give a big chunk of me. i grab at least two handfuls from my gut and show them to everyone and people like it so im happy. and you love it. i think it's just that i want that to be the problem. i want you not to know me or to treat me badly, when really the problem is i dont love you. logically you have everything but i just dont love you. so.