6/15/2025: 2:42 am

rereading my diary entries right now. wow, i was surprisingly eloquent. i guess it's because they were all written in the heat of the moment. i've always been a better person under pressure.

what do i even talk about right now..? whatever worries i had last year have compounded upon themselves, and turned into an amalgamation of anxiety i can't look in the eye. i didn't cry on graduation half because the ceremony sucked, but also because i pushed down all of the worries i have had for the past year. i'm trying my best to enjoy the present, and i think i'm succeeding. i've gone out almost every single freaking day for the past two weeks - something past me would have been starstruck about. me!! having friends!! making formative experiences!!! but the thought of leaving gnaws at me over and over and over. i can't handle change like this, not when i've been so happy. i can't. 

something shifted at the start of 2025 and it was like i unlocked the key to all of my friends' hearts. i moved seats in ap stats, and made so many memories with teddy, khoa, and han. diamond and i suddenly began hanging out more. deanna's out of the blue invite that turned into a four person cooking hangout changed everything, and now we're a tight knit friend group. god. god god god god i've made more core memories this year than i think my entire life, which is a bit sad, but also incredibly fucking overwhelming. deanna's various cooking hangouts, diamond's birthday party, those moments playing card games in ap stats, hiking at crystal cove, brokeback mountain grad party, senior bbq, the countless movie nights...more moments i can't name simply because there's too fucking many. god. when did my life become so full? i don't get it. it's like one day, i looked back and i had people that loved me. what the fuck. 

i'm so scared it feels like my chest is about to rip open. i don't want this to end. this summer has been the happiest i have ever been. why did i choose a college so far away? why did i choose to leave everything i know behind? it's like the universe is playing a sick fucking joke on me. last year, i didn't really have anything to hold onto. the prospect of going far away was exciting. i could breathe. i could actually live. but now, i can't help but find myself sick at the thought of losing all of this. i didn't even get that much time to enjoy my newfound friendships. why did i make so many friends only to have to leave all of them in...what, three fucking months? that's barely anything. that's so unfair. this entire thing is unfair. 

i know that connection can persist across distance. i'm no stranger to long distances; my fair share of online friends can attest to that. but it won't ever be the same. i'm still losing something when i leave. the movie nights, the bright, glimmering memories we made this singular, spectacular year. i won't see any of them regularly anymore. 

i don't doubt anyone's friendship. i think everyone's hope is mutual. i've gotten better at loving myself, and in turn, recognizing others' love - i know that they all care for me, and i know they'll still be there when i return. i just simply miss them. it's not even over, and i already miss them all like hell. 

i try not to think about it, but it lurks in the back of my mind the way the dead haunt the living. oh man, what am i gonna do in september? when i'm in college all alone, and my entire world is all 6 hours away, what can i do besides stare listlessly and wring my hands? i refuse to be someone that waits, but i can't help myself. i will always be sentimental, and i will always look back. a piece of myself lives in everyone i have ever met. this time, i've had too much to give. 

i wouldn't have it any other way, though. if the same situations occurred, i wouldn't have done anything different. it's a blessing to be able to share your life with someone else. i'm so happy right now, sometimes i wonder if it's really okay. 

whatever. i have friends and the best people on earth surrounding me right now. i'll always be a bit sad, but i've also never been more happy then when i'm next to them. whatever happens next, they'll all be in my heart. forever, and probably beyond that, because that's the kind of person i am. i love them all so much. i can't afford not to.