Venting because where else

I don’t know where the bad is coming from inside of me but it’s there. The nightmares are worse and every night. I dream about us arguing as if i don’t fear it enough in the day. Someone is stepping on my stomach and chest. Help me. Please. I won’t see you for a little while soon. I know i’ll miss you but i still push you away. I don’t know why.

My door is locked. I’ll get yelled at for it in the morning. There is a random guy in the house. I’m keeping the door locked. Don’t trust anyone. 

Tonight was great. I miss you. I told you I don’t want to hang out with you. It was a lie. It’s not enough anymore? You’re so nice. You’re so so nice. Come over. Lay in bed with me. I feel like shit. 

I make it all about me. You used to catch it when I hid. Do you still? I freaked out the last time you told me you were worried. I’m sorry. I like that you care, it makes me feel valid. I just don’t want you to see me as a burden. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.  

I ignored you for most of tonight because I was mad that you exclude yourself. I don’t know why I was mad. I wish i would’ve just talked to you but talking to you felt like something was in my throat, rocks were in my head. Why is everything bad? Why is it always bad? 

I won’t be sad anymore. You don’t need that. You’ll get pissed if you know i’m hiding it from you. I’ll be happier, okay? You don’t need to take care of me. I love you. I’ll figure it out. Please don’t leave me alone. 

Don’t leave me alone. Please. Please don’t leave me alone. I miss your scent. I don’t know when i stopped liking your voice. Maybe that’s just a tonight thing. The sounds are buzzing. It makes everything irritating. 

I haven’t been in it in a while. I’ve been pretty out of it constantly. It’s scaring me. Let me back in. Let me back into control. Something is taking over my mind. Autopilot. The plane will crash. Emergency landing. Help. Me. Don’t see how bad it is. Don’t see how bad I am. I need a hug. I need you around me. Don’t stop trying. I won’t push you away someday. I miss you. I’m sorry. I know loving me is exhausting. 

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” we’re like broken goddamn machines. Can i say that word around you anymore? 

I treat it like a betrayal, which is the most selfish thing i’ve ever done. When i want you to stay, I tell you to do what you want, because as much as you leaving makes me sad, i’m not gonna hold you back from doing what you need to do. as much as i want to beg you to not do this small thing, as stupid as my sadness is, it’s not as deep as i want to make it. You were worried for a reason, but i don’t want you to know that. Gibberish. Jabberwocky. Tik tik tock. 

i relapsed a few nights ago. didn’t tell you. it was bad. It was really bad. Not as bad as the other one i didn’t tell you about. makeup didn’t cover up the scars today so i wore leggings.

i miss the stars. i love your stars.

i will never love someone the way i’ve always wanted to. 

What’s that thing Big Thief said?