i should just do it.

one night ago i smoked the remaining half of a joint i had kicking around in my room. it was midnight and even though everyone was sleeping, i didn't want to wake anyone up with the smell of weed or have that smell stick in my room. so i walked outside to a field next to my old elementary school and smoked it the best i could with the wind constantly blowing out my lighter. as i walked back to my house, i looked up at the moon, glowing an orange-ish yellow, and the silhouettes of trees towering over me, their leaves and branches blowing in the wind. me, in my sort-of high state of mind (the joint was a couple weeks old), thought to myself "man, i'm really gonna miss this place when i die".

i have no earthly idea when i'll die, but if i already did, then that would make a whole lotta sense. maybe this is my hell: i got killed when i was little and my punishment for all of eternity is to waste my life getting fat, sitting in my computer chair, staring at computer monitors. thinking of all these crazy ideas for a comic or movie i could make, but never having the drive to see them to their conclusion. wanting to get better, but lacking the drive to make it happen for myself, even though i know that i would be a happier person. hoping for relationships and memories, but lacking the critical social skills and, dare i say, lack of shame to go through with them. begging for adventure, but the chair calls me back time and time again.

and yet there's always been a voice in the back of my mind - a voice that i've known ever since i was a little kid. a voice that only ever comes out in the presence of adventure, the company of friends, and the production of the best memories. a little voice that says "just do it". a little voice that says "what's the worst that can happen?" or "who cares about the money? who cares about this or that? just do it".

and he's right. i should just do it. the universe tends to unfold as it should, i wholeheartedly believe this. i believe that as long as i'm still breathing, good will eventually come in one way or another. but what happens when the universe refuses to unfold in your favor? i have never had a boyfriend despite statistics stating that people my age have already had at least one intimate relationship, let alone their first kiss. i have never been on an adventure with my friends, despite that being a "typical" teenage experience that everyone has had. i have not lived the life i want to live. i have wasted it in favor of dopamine and youtube, living vicariously through the people i watch.

i'm tired of it. ever since i was eleven i would say "this is the summer where i explore my neighborhood!", imagining images of myself riding a bike through the streets, looking at the houses going by, and never going through with it.

not this time. i've wasted enough of my life. i want to live, at least if it's only for a little bit.

in the great words of daniel hentschel "if you want to achieve your dreams you have to make them happen". and that's exactly what i'll do.

i'm going on an adventure this summer. i don't know where, i don't know how. maybe a big road trip to oregon? explore the great campsites of my homestate of wisconsin. or like, fuckin, go kayaking a river somewhere.

i'll post updates of what i'm doing on here for all the peeps who happen to care. it'll be like a digital journal lol. in any case though, i encourage everyone reading to go on their own adventure. bring a friend along and make a couple memories

till the next one