Report Blog Entry
people are always criticizing and hating on avoidant attachment in general especially on social media, both avoidant-dismissive and avoidant-fearful, a lot of people don't really specify which they are talking about either. while at the same time anxious attachment seems to be praised or even encouraged, despite both anxious and avoidant being unhealthy attachment styles.
there's a lot of people that praise anxious attachment in relationships, many -- not all -- of those seeming to be people trying to fuel their egos by seeking someone that will chase them and not push them away. although, anxious attachment also has its disadvantages just like avoidant attachment does. everyone says that they want someone clingy until that person is constantly blowing up their phone, constantly wanting to talk to them and be around them and monitor their life, only then thats when they seek to push them away because its "too much". yet even then some people will say thats still a "healthy" relationship when realistically there should be a balance between space/independence and closeness in all relationships, both platonic and romantic.
ive had friends that were overly clingy, it felt like my life wasn't my own because they were so dependent on my attention, combining this with other personal stressors like school and family, it became overwhelming. i had a friend that expected me to text for hours after being around them all day at school, and would spam me if i didn't answer in 10 minutes. and ive also met people who were avoidant-fearful, where they pushed me away, expecting me to chase them. its not a good feeling either, especially when you are blamed for not pursuing someone that is treating you negatively.
im not saying that slander or hate towards anxious attachment should be encouraged either. all unhealthy attachment styles are labelled as unhealthy for a reason and its wrong to try to romanticize anxious attachment and even avoidant attachment styles for the point of fulfilling personal desires or wants, especially because of all the conflict it could lead to in the long run. they all cause internal and external conflicts, they all have negative effects on the person and those they are attached to. they all will inevitably lead to conflicts and consequences if they are not acknowledged and considered reasonably.
this is just my take as someone who is likely avoidant-dismissive now (trying to move towards healthier attachment), i used to be have a more anxious attachment style, however i could still be somwhere between the two of them.
i feel like this is kinda long but theres so much more that could be said :P
Comments
Displaying 3 of 3 comments ( View all | Add Comment )
kitkatanddog
I think people forget that avoidants are aloof not because they genuinely don't care (even if they want others to believe that they don't), but because they're overwhelmed & threatened. their internal experiences are really quite similar to those of anxious people- they feel that the other person will leave them because they're not good enough to be loved, but rather than begging their partner to prove otherwise, they develop a fear of vulnerability. it can be just as self-destructive as any anxious attachment, but it goes unnoticed, because avoidants internalise their fear & shame. (that arguably makes it harder to treat.)
I've been on both sides of the anxious/avoidant dynamic & I do agree that I had a harder time as the 'avoidant', because I couldn't open up. I didn't feel safe to anymore, & that's not an issue that can be fixed while also trying to manage the (sometimes unrealistic) expectations & projections of the anxious. avoidants need just as much love, care & reassurance as the anxious do, but they're far less likely to ask for it. it takes two to tango, & in this case, that requires some availability on the anxious' part for the needs of the avoidant- not just what they want.
it would've definitely helped if the internal worlds of avoidants were as displayed in media as those of anxiously attached people are. media plays an important role in encouraging people to empathise with the experiences of people who are nothing like them- it reduces the burden on avoidants in this case to constantly have to explain & justify themselves while they're in distress. acting out in relationships due to fear definitely isn't something anybody should be aspiring toward, no matter how 'beautiful' & cinematic as it might appear when the anxious does it !
you said it so well, being avoidant isn't something enjoyable, it can be just as exhausting and self destructive as anxious attachment if left unmanaged. i became more avoidant as a defense from anxious attachment, its more of a matter of not feeling safe. avoidant attachment needs so much more internal representation in the media rather than just its external effects on others. people with avoidant aren't deliberately evil, they have their own specific needs just like people with anxious attachment have and some things require adaptation from both sides of a relationship to find a common ground.
by silly :3; ; Report
VØłĐ, VØłĐ฿ØⱤ₦, ₩ØⱤ₴₮ ₱ØɆ₮ ØV ɆӾł₴₮Ɇ₦₵Ɇ
I agree, there is a reason why someone hasth a unhealthy attachment style and avoidant attachment style is also one ov them, people hate it because they doth not know how to make them feel safer etc.
Anxious attachment propaganda
especially when all unhealthy attachment styles have their own triggers and causes, its just unfortunate theres so much hate surrounding it all
by silly :3; ; Report
★*~°○☆♪𝒯𝓉𝒶𝓇𝓎𝓎♪☆○°~*★
Tbh I actually get what ur saying as smb who gets anxiously attached like though ppl discuss how harmful it can be both to ur and smb else's mental mindset but like a lot of ppl are always going for ppl who they know has those kinds of issues until it gets to the point where the anxious person wants to be literally under their skin but like nobody discusses how avoidant attachment will actually cause anxious attachment and or lead to a toxic cycle of on and off rls whether it be romantic or platonic and it's not discussed enough on social media for ppl to be genuinely aware of the type of person they might be or smb around them and it's so dookie vru
literally like everyone on social media is spreading hate on it rather than actually trying to help other people...avoidant attachment does trigger anxious especially if its not managed well, its definitely a vicious cycle
by silly :3; ; Report