entry07

*13 june 25*

hey, things are kinda going harsh lately i was really happy and hopefull at the last entry but right now im depressed af. school still didnt end but only a week left and i didnt go this week really. i went school only 2 days.

i dont really have lots to talk about. im just depressed and im spiraling deeper as always :/ i was with z like always at the days i went to school but i felt like i just met her or something. i was nervous around her and i dont even know why. probably because im ashamed of myself.

im ashamed of myself in every way really. my look, my personality, my habits... i regret everything i did i except meeting and being friends with z is this weird?

ffor my looks i had long and messy and wavy hair before but i cut it because im stupid a few months ago and now i look terrible. im skinny fat, hair is a mess, dont even want to talk about my face i look like a cave men actually.

for my personality i dont even have one. im trying to get one but im too anxious or ashamed to say what i feel a lot of times. im selfish and self centered.

anyways my psychologist is gone until 24th of june and i need her. like really NEED her. the biting myself thing kinda coming back. i did it 3 times this week.

omg im just so depressed

*14 june 25*
hey again. today was more normal i had a dream today. it was about z. z and i was holding hands normally and that was it, we were just walking home and chatting about stupid stuff.

am i weird for thinking so much about her? i dont love her or something she is just a important person to me (probably only person i care except mom).

i was never good at physical connection with people. i cant touch people normally i get scared somehow but sometimes z holds my hand or dunno do stupid human stuff when im depressed and it helps so thats why i had this dream?

oh my god A was the only person i could touch easily (my crush) and now i messed it up. i send him some weird gay reels and now he is ignoring me. like i know you are a heterophobic but WHY IGNORE MEEE T-T. I'll just kill myself.

anyways im doing nothing and it feels terrible. im just rotting in my bed and watching stupid stuff.

i started reading NANA and damn... I will die from the sudden depressed nana talks. i NEED to know what happens but its so fuckin long dude! anyways im happy its long but still...

oh also tomorrow z, c (one from mun) and i are hangin out im pretty happy but i look terrible and i hate summers wym i cant wear my oversized hoodie?!??!?! just kill me


i want to talk about what my psychologist said last session. she told me acting like dad against myself (sorry dont know the proper english words...) and she is right too but I CANT STOP IT. like how do i just stop judging myself for everything i do? i really dont know how am i going to love myself.

i dont care about loving myself that much really but i dont want to be so ashamed of myself that i cant go outside dude... it fucks my life in every possible way.


it does feel weird to give money to talk to someone no? i mean yeah psychologists studies for this and stuff but she doesent care about me irl just acts like she does. I dont care as long as she helps me though. But definitely fees bad when you think about it.

guess that's it for this entry thanks for reading love uuu <3<3