I'll lowkey with you -morning vent thing stupid thing don't check

I've always had a knack, a fear, a thought. There's this choking in my throat and chest that ensures I don't say things I know I can't fathom of expressing. I could cry, the ghost or phantom of this strange nightmare that things wont have a reason why bad news or bad things kill me.

I'll admit that the proof of my heart beating faster or suppressing under this pillow of silence hurts, but what can I do? People are real scary sometimes, it lead me to not share much about me or to develop much outside of common traits so I don't stick out. it is a thing that makes me more scared than I should. Being different as a person does not sound too bad, I wanna say that.

I guess I haven't developed as thick of skin as others. I'm scared as I type this one out. I almost shed a few tears, being hurt by another in a sort of way of disappointment or physical way might've done this. since I was a kid, I was always this way through the works of the world and time. I don't want to crash like this in the morning, but I had to get this off my mind.

Maybe I don't want to grow thicker skin, something like that. I didn't want to fear the possibility of people hurting me, or getting into conflict. something. I wonder if it's natural to feel alone when being chased, chased (or pursued?) by another. I feel awful when I see people describe their experiences with bad things, dulling at my heart wondering that if I keep myself shelled I'll be okay. I feel okay not thinking about it, like medicine.

Can I be lowkey with you? I want to love you, I want to be good to you, I want to be the best of help I can be. People aren't so bad, I think. I just don't want this to end, the lurking air I am. It might be hell, or heaven, I just have a safe place to exist on without having to confront that fear.

If I'm really really lowkey with you, how bad can I be with you? I'm never not going to not have my faults, but I wonder how I can be bad with you. No matter how much you and me get hurt, can I have my chances? and hopefully, can I give you yours?

When I make a bond with you, when you become someone I know, how can I know that pain feels good? Can I express that? Can I learn to be like you, that we can be safe? That together we can fight off the bad guys, that they wont come at all even? Can I be as Naive with you as I am..? That you can tell me to shut up about this view on bad guys already.

I dunn0 if I see it just yet, the reality of the situation. I wonder how much this weird feeling of love(?) will last, and if this feeling of fear(?) will ever leave. But I hope it lasts long enough for people to enjoy who I am, or if it disappears at all.

Again and again this feeling, this daydream appears when those words appear. Most things bad, can't hide from it. I can't fight this, It isn't something you can fight. Is saying it even a way to remedy this? I'll have to see. Maybe I won't have to think of this later, tomorrow, next week.

The post-end game of the frame you make of yourself from what I saw makes those things come out, I fear that possibility enough to make myself as dry as possible, that if I have oddities that make me unable to respond well to questions. If I do this I wont meet the terrible things that I think comes with being a real, honest, and open person. Anything goes, anything is, and I hate me, enough that I became unable to fight against what I fear.

being hurt.

I'm tired. I just want to dream again, to want to be away for a while. Goodnight, good morning, and good afternoon dreamer.