school-school

hey i want to do a quick sloppy rant (as if they’re not all sloppy) about something that upsets me actually a lot a bit. okay i NEED to give u this backstory 

so my family never fully got to go to school my grandma has no more than an elementary education and my mom started living in the streets when she was halfway through 10th (i think don’t fully quote me on it i js know she was def living on the streets at least by 16 n she didn’t fully experience 10th as i would take her 2 my highschool if allowed or on any teacher night as my mom LOVE LOVE LOVEDDD school and i was basically living her dream) so she never really got to have the best highschool experience or graduate or go to prom and covid happened right as my older sister was gonna have prom n stuff like that so she never really got it. anyways school hasn’t been the most accessible for my family. 

fast forward mom has me and usually every kid is smart like in their own way n i am in NO MEANS saying i was the smartest most exceptional kid i was pretty average BUT i was good at school i was a straight A student math was my expertise i remember one time in 7th grade winning the math ninjas thing if yall ever had to do it and i got my pic on the wall it felt GREAT because i had actually DONE THAT like i had GENUINELY finished that all n it actually took me a bit long to do cus i was in a 7/8 grade split so it was hard (but again i was js an average kid so don’t come at me saying it was the easiest thing ever for u it was big for me let me have it) ANYWAYS i had a lot of determination to do good in school and i DID do good in school always good grades only thing was i was a little bit chatty but im a people person and my mom LOVED EVERY MINUTE OF THIS because why wouldn’t she? i was doing great straight As and she wasn’t like crazy about like studying and maths like she just kinda let me handle that so i was choosing to do good at school ON MY OWN as a child which was great cus she didn’t have to deal wit anything then came online school i HATED online school if i u don’t make me fully stand up and get up n walk my ass to school do NOT expect me to stay up for the lesson  my lordle i’m just not a do an assignment on my own boringly in like 10 minutes and hand it in im a make a 10 slide presentation to excitedly share with the class and then preform an interpretive dance after type gal yk? like i hattteeeeee fucking handing in assignments like quick and easy everybody tells me just get it done but that’s not how my brain works it needs to be PERFECT the best thing u ever seen because for a long time it usually was not that it was perfect among others but that my work has always been the best work i could ever possibly do and then i went to highschool and i swear it felt like they were saying “dumb ur assignments down cause u take too long” and i get that due dates are important u do not need to tell me why they do that but since my work has been perfect so long sometimes i get to caught up in needing to do that good that honestly id rather fail they get a fucking 70 on that paper because i KNOW im better than a FUCKING 70 IF U GAVE ME SOME GOD DAMN TIME.

anyways i tried so hard to do school in highschool and it wasn’t even the work that was fucking me up the most it was being there walking into that building and as somebody who LOVED school just like my mom did EVEN AFTER being genuinely relentlessly bullied and called a slut at the ripe age of 6 (ahhh yes how rape culture is amazing) i still wanted to be there every day so don’t think im so angry teen who just had highschool drama or something or i just hate my teachers cause none of that is true i haven’t been in drama once im a pretty chill person just mind my manners n business n surround myself with good souls i actually like all my teachers (yes even the strict ones who had REALLY jumped down my throat everytime i missed a class) and again i still love learning to this day i always did i participated in class every time i was there i was always a good student at school… when i was at school.

sooooo it got hard idk y it got hard but things hit me hard 9th grade was eugh my boyfriend is gonna read this and he knows why long story short evil mother of his do bad things stealin food from my house for them man more stuff it was just a whole lot she js reslly fucked wit my head n encouraged not going to school more man ill prolly have a seperate blog on this woman i genuinely can’t go thru the list on how she messed with my brain so i kinda just became so different this woman changed me I SWEAR idk i just could tell i was feeling different and i swear i could tell sometimes that it was getting bad i js chose not to believe it so bad and then i kinda meh but i kept up with school good second semester was when i failed my first class

then 10th grade got ROUGH it was again like last time a bit chill at first i think tho it got more worse after time cus i think first semester i failed a class which i didnt last time second semester happened and WHOO WEEE idk y my bf being homeless and addicted to fentanyl affected ME so much cus it rlly shouldn’t have but idk it didn’t. the fact she was living with her n he never got out seeing the way he looked u got understand how much i love this dude bro like that is my ride or DIE mf n this bitch ass hoe ass who’s so fucking immature she gon say she wished a god damn 14 yr old was better off dead can just abuse him for the rest of his life LIKE WHATTTTT idk y but i just still can’t get my mind off it to this DAY ever since ive met the woman it was ruined me she has burnt cigarettes in my flesh n those burns still burn every day like shes trying to put out another one and ik she is she hated me A LOT i never understood why but she has a specific hatred toward me maybe because i was dating her son but everything she did seemed so oddly just to make me life just a little bit worse to this day when i see somebody post her on facebook talking abt her “progress” she posts about every year i feel she is smiling and staring directly in my souls as if she took the picture for my boyfriend n i to see like she doesn’t care about the other positives but that she knows we have seen and she’s smiling so we’ll see her smile she’s making it faker idk ik im ranting but it feels like that n in 10th grade it really hit me i could not focus on anything but im talking i was the most annoying person everything was jay and britt and jay and britt and jay (oh that’s my bf n my moms name sorry i didn’t tell yall i said this would be sloppy and just ignor the misspelling im going fast) that’s all it was tho like i lived breathe drank and ate their lives i swear. every day wake up check. and everybody knew it was like my favourite true crime that was happening in front of my eyes except when i say favourite i didn’t like any part of it. i always got told where he’s at. he lost THEIR phone (not his she saw every one of my messages to him :) which i still sent all the time and invited BOTH OF THEM to my musical) and it was immediately brought to me cus i was the only not fucking fucked right the fuck up person that’s ever existed in this man’s fucking life EVER. i had watched his life like a hawk trailing down every move trying to pin point where he was at at all times (which i did) anything to know that when i wake up the next morning he’s alive. i wasn’t checking out of pure hatred it wasn’t always on my mind just cause im a whiny bitch but genuinely every day i woke up there was a chance someone i had loved like no other and had let in my home fed basically raised and lived with (ik a little weird but i love him sm) could just be gone and what hurt was the thought of not being able to go to his funeral not getting closure not being able to see HIS face again and tell him i love him man like i didn’t want him to die hating me or have stupid fucking britt cause problems for my closure (none of that happened tho THANK GOD) it just felt so real i was actively watchin my genuine best friend die and then look up from my phone n i get asked “why weren’t you here” that is the worst question i hate it. because that’s y because i can’t get out of my fucking head that’s why my brain can’t seem to have the capacity to think about anything else because my brain thinks the longer i think about him the longer he’ll stay alive I DONT FUCKING KNOW. and i’d get sent photos or videos of what he looked like or id deem him post it n if uve ever seen the way someone changes on that man bro it fucking BROKE ME in shambles. like i literally watched that kid play guitar in front of me he looks so fucking miserable. like he wasn’t just an addict i knew if he was living alone with britt he was getting abused i mean mother giving son fentanyl should already be ur dingalingling bells going “yeaa that’s an abusive parent” AND ITS CRAZY TO THIS DAY PEOPLE DONT FUCKING CONNECT THAT AND STILL BLAME HIM LIKE ARE U WACK okay sorry i cant even reel it in no more we’re too far out if u have gotten this far ur fucking in it now but i called cas and did everything ur supposed to but nobody FUCKING DID ANYTHING and i was helpless i could do nothing i sent letters i did everything in my power and as u see when i switched to 10th i talked less abt school and more abt this because i couldn’t even hold space for it which caused my problems and second semester phew but i passed like a class or two

now 11th grade jay got clean and came back so i felt like i could do it tried to make most of the good classes (but im like soo creative and musical and stuff and there wasnt a single music or drama class n my guidance counsellor got switched which pissed me off cus the fucking old one knew abt that shit she was the first person i opened up too abt like fucking anything so fuck u bitches cus the new one knew shit fuck all abt me and fucked my classes up bruh i wish my old one would’ve stayed and even tho it had gotten better i still woke up everyday just feeling like a failure my school routine for 3 years consisted of 

7:20 - finally wake up

7:21 - cry for 30 minutes because i failed everyone

7:51 - rush to get ready as mom yells at me because she can’t do this anymore 

8:00 - speed run everything i have to do left

8:05 - good day = i made it! now we js go to school and think and think and think and think until my mind explodes n classes have started

8:10 - bad day = late to school cus mom got really angry and i can’t been seen at school crying 

it just fucking sucked and like just every one of my emotions were all fucking humoungus as soon as i stepped foot in that building. the amount of girls that have walked in on me in the school bathroom balling my eyes out red in the face screaming is way too embarrassing for me. i just couldn’t do school-school but the idea of not going was nonexistent because then that’s dropping out of school which every lecture i had while late to school consisted of “DO U WANNA BE ON WELLFARE THE REST OF UR LIFE” britt was also poor and my mom would talk a lot about no school = end up like britt which britt did drop out of highschool so i get it but it wasn’t the fault of being rebellious or just to lazy to do my work like i swear im not a kid who just hates school again LOVE LEARNING it just never worked out and as the evidence proved like the last 2 years the second semester got even WORSE but since every year it gets a bit worse 11th was when i finally dropped out im out of school now which if u had told me in even 9th grade i would’ve thought u were crazy school never used to be like this i mean i’ll be honest my attendance was never the greatest (as i said relentlessly bullied brough on some very sad full straight weeks of feeling horrible) so no it’s not all out of the blue but i’ll tell u i didn’t miss many assignments often even in 9th i still passed with low attendance hell i didn’t even have to retake 9th grade science cus in 10th grade i got like 98% so they just passed me (even tho i still haven’t genuinely fully sat in a 9th grade science class that wasn’t on the first day) although that teacher always did quizzes and tests so i didn’t have to worry abt being perfect i just had to worry abt being right yk? and it was very easy cus it’s not like i don’t comprehend my classes it’s not like i can’t DO work that’s needed i just struggled i guess anyways ive been dropped out for a bit ive definitely learned a lot more than in school obviously not like fucking math but i never knew how to like idk live it’s still hard for me to go through a full day without breaking down but man is shit ever easier and not my responsibilities but like fucking waking up i don’t dread it and i can eat whenever i want i don’t have to fucking pay my eating has gotten SOOOO much better i didn’t even way 100 lbs now im like 115-120 that’s literally JS the difference from being in school i am not joking. i also still learn things (teachers use a bunch of websites for u to do ur own research so why not just do my own research) ive still studied things just w/o someone telling me to that’s not gonna be my forever my therapist and i are already going over other options which seem like really good and absolutely no one in the school or outside of the school other than my therapist made me think i even had these options without feeling like im fucking dumb and i still do to this day i still js feel like every sees me with a label over my head that says “highschool drop out” ill still get a diploma and be able to work in my own way but i have such a love hate relationship with my situation like made things SO much better but man i wanna go to prom i wanna graduate WITH THE OTHERS i want a cap i want a song yk? i just wish i could feel like i belonged but even if i tried very hard i know i never will cause ive always just kinda been someone who just doesn’t belong im just off almost there but not quite fully there im sorry for how long and horrible this is with no ending and how crazy this is please excuse my for typing exactly like someone who dropped out of highschool and if u stayed this long i actually really appreciate u nobody has been this interested in my life like ever