I'm not going to highschool

I'm completely devastated. I have no motivation to do anything. All I do is chores around the house, my mother saying that i have to learn to take care of my own home when I grow up. 

All I do in my free time is try to get away- Music, games, books, and friends- I can't enjoy anything anymore. I can't enjoy anything because I enjoy too much. I indulge, consume, and rot. 

I know that there are things I can do. I know that there is more for me- there was more for me- if i went to school. I know I would do good. I'm smarter than most people I know, most adults and all of the children. I need routine to thrive, I need a learning routine to thrive. 

I'm not being nurtured, I feel like every time I get yelled I deserve it. I feel like I deserve to be hurt. Even when I'm spoken to I feel like I'm being punished when I'm spoken to.

I snap at my mother all the time. I know it's her fault I'm not going. I'm so angry and tired and upset all of the time. 

There's something wrong with my body. Not in an "It's disgusting and ugly" but in a "Something is deeply wrong" way. I used to get my period, before I began to work out a lot when I was around twelve. I was helping plant the trees in my backyard. I haven't had my period since then. 

I believe I may be infertile. Or it may cystic in nature. 

I haven't brought up as of late, since every time I bring it up I get told that my mother (51) hasn't got a period either, by my father. 

My father, by the way, is a medical professional. 

I feel hopeless. I've been SH free since for three years. I want to relapse. I want something to numb this. 

Here, I will say this-

My life is nothing, never has been. When I was younger, my life was learning, feeling, wondering. My life now is nothing. Nada. It's knowing, and not wondering what I'll be doing in highschool but rather knowing that there is nothing ahead but the nothing that persists now.

I breathe in the nothing and it is in my lungs, but cannot proceed into my blood. I tear away my flesh to see it- the wonder, the life. It bubbles onto my skin and I feel the pain, and feel better.

I feel freer than I was before. I have been reminded of my humanity; my life beyond this nothingness. Who I was and can be is in my blood. My blood is my hope to feel again. Hope to be more than this. The future- The inevitable and unknown and maybe lovely and maybe horrific- is why I live. I feel through my blood since my mind does not work and does not feel emotion. 

This physical action lets me know that there is more than this pain and nothingness.

I let my nerves feel because my mind cannot.